BLOG! How are you? I had TWENTY THREE people tell me we should get back together. Also, I missed you. And I think we can make it work if we just accept the fact that sometimes blogs have to be left alone. To grow. And other stuff.
Also my kids are on vacation so I don't know what the hell to do with myself. For realz.
So I think I told you when we were having one of our late night "pillow talks" that I can't get out of my own refrigerator without a compass rose, paper map, garmin and tomtom gps, the ghost of ponce de leon (though that beeyotch never found the fountain of youth, I have to say) and a pre-programmed Uber cab driver.
Seriously and no freaking joke. Every day, I am like just get out of the fridge. Open the door, and you are home free. And by the time my little fist hits the handle I am like, how come rainbows and unicorns never hosted their own pbs telethon?
The detail I left out, Bloggy, is that (and I am pretty sure this is a universal rule Einstein forgot to notate) all that changes once you go through the Holland Tunnel. Or Lincoln Tunnel if you happened to be slightly distracted going north on the turnpike. But whatevs.
So my darling children are very used to my saying Hey let's go to Applebee's and they end up having to buy fur coats in Alaska's only Wal-Mart cause I am like Applebee's was right here yesterday but then I started thinking about how many pistons equate to how much horsepower and I can't really believe the scientists accepted horsepower as an actual term seems like they could have changed that to something a bit more scientific sounding...
So my handsome little boy likes to look at one of my two GPSes in the car. He basically gets hypnotized by the arrow and loves to report the changing speed limit, our current speed and what direction we are traveling in his husky robot voice. Of course he thinks he is helping and of course, if you are me, he is nothing more than ANOTHER voice in my head saying turn left wait no right no that's right, right, right? But about two weeks ago, we traveled into NYC to visit the one and only Grandma Patsy and it had been awhile since we had been in the city. So Teddy was doing his usual GPS narration and he was like
MOM! You are supposed to turn right on CUH-NALL street. And I was like, oh dear boy, everything is different now. We are in THE CITY. And I of course was met with the skeptic silence only Ted can channel. Which I of course didn't bother trying to argue with. I was just like, mommy grew up here and it's a bit different. More crickets.
No matter. About four hours later, right after I had taught him how to jump a turnstile in the subway and explained why that was ethically not stealing, we lost Grandma Patsy due to a tragic Metro Card incident. Helen and Teddy looked panicked when Grandma Patsy flitted up the subway stairs with a cheery See you back at the apartment! and all they had left was....me. No GPS, no paper map, no compass rose. I was like, kids, here is where I shine. And I pulled out my "Just in case of emergencies Twizzler" from my back pocket (cause those things ain't never going bad) and I was like Each of you grab a hand or start figuring out how to create a Hooverville next to this guy playing the Titanic theme song on a harp and I will buy some more children from the dude selling double A batteries up here...
And man, my kids have never respected me more. Twenty minutes later, we were in Grandma Patsy's apartment, our Twizzler dinner digesting and I was explaining how Broadway was sometimes WEST and sometimes EAST and they were like.....whoa. Who IS this mom? And I was like see this is why highways are for bitches. We should be able to get everywhere on the L train.
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