Rodentia Insectus

Hey...Blog...Sometimes, people use you. I am so sorry.  But if I weren't your friend, I wouldn't tell you.  I am just sayin'  sometimes people hide behind the Blog. Defer to the Blog.  Etc.  I just wanted to let you know.  You and I?  BFF 4eva.

ANYWAY, I was out in nature this morning, and that means I was standing in the garage.  Listen, I am from NYC so the fact that there is space to house a vehicle blows my little mind but then let's go further and say hey some peeps prefer to use this space NOT to house said vehicle but to house beer and tools.. I pretty much stroke out.  In NYC you have to DRINK all the beer upon purchase cause there is no ROOM to keep it. And tools are lame dudes from college.

It is sorta like leftovers.  They don't really exist in NYC.  Nobody has room for them, and it's poor form to eat food that is more than an hour old.  Also if you have extra you can seriously stretch your arms out and touch someone who is sleeping on a bench and loves egg rolls.  Clearly, give'em.

So I was out in nature and a toad came hopping along.  Hubby was aghast and perhaps running straightforward into a brick wall.  I was like, hey do you want me to move him/her?

Hubby was like yes and why are you not scared?  And I replied I only get freaked by the rodents that have hair and skittle. Those beeyothces and I will never be friends.  Insects, reptiles, what have you? No prob.  For whatever reason, if the thorax is your mainframe, I am your girl.

So I went to yoga yesdy for the first time in like two weeks and it was a really easy class, called RELAX, so no worries.  Except halfway through a woman came up to my mat and started frantically pointing to the floor to which I shook my head confusedly and then saw a little critter walking his walk and she was like SEE THERE IS A BEETLE, and I kinda looked at her and said oh hey no, that's my boyfriend, I invited him. And she kinda glanced at me and half smiled but you could tell she was seriously pissed I didn't crush him.

Cut to me and the beetle doing Downward Facing Dog together on a support ball. It's just that we come in all shapes and sizes.  And some of us are serious about yoga.

Lazy Days

So.  School will be starting again. Isn't that interesting, the cycle begins.  I am trying to imagine someone who takes the calendar year for what it is and none of this September nonsense starts us off.  January is the beginning etc. 

Hm okay probably this has something to do with farming which I have no idea about. Totally out of my element. But there is a certain lacquer to the months of July and August that entail most people not having to work. Because you grow up all on the school calendar so it feels like July and August are "extra". Like I am SUPPOSED to be on the beach but actually now I have to manage something,    It's July.  People do business in July?  Oh right restaurants.  Woswers.  Cause humans have to eat.

So I guess if we have to work all the live long day then when do we get to play? Oh now Blog, now you are going to start talking about balance.  Blech.

Well, tomorrow I start the "schedule".  You know, whistle around my neck, knees up to my nose while jogging.  Let's get moving, and see what HAPPENS this year.

Helen might see Dominick.  Teddy might see Holly. 

That's all I have to say about those two *wink*

Outlets

We all need em.

Currently we are trying to convert the top floor of the house into a den where people can go when they need to chillaroo.  Which is pretty much everyone all the time. We had been trying to sell the house but we have to work with what we have. So we live in an old house that has the low ceilings and the smallish rooms because back in the day everyone was a midget.  Unfortunate for Amazon Mama going down the stairs.  Oh? this staircase twists?  What fun!  Let's see if I can come out alive everyday.  Fun stuff.

We have two staircases and one twists.  But all of our children are living.  Yahoo!  I say, job well done, mama.  The staircase, in and of itself, while certainly useful, is a practice in gymnastics and faith.  Our house is the house you want to play hide and seek in because it has nifty little closet spaces and strange spidery nooks.

So we are putting a tv up on the third floor and painting and we will have a little haven, cove, outlet, for people in the fam of five who need to not be near the other people in the fam of five, if that makes sense.  We are bringing the technology all up in the 1850s.  Computer, tv, tablet, cell phone,  a couple of Starbursts, and I am all set.  Helen said, "It's like a magical treehouse."

And that IS what I was thinking!

Season ings

I know Bloggy.  I said I would start up again, then I disappeared.  This is what we call "fickle".  But if you are going to love me, you must accept all parts of me. And  all that kind of bs.

So summer is ending.  And that blows.  I seem to eat with the seasons.  And of course all seasons are a good reason to eat.  So it's like oh man the HOLIDAYS?  seems like I should just purchase expandable pants for those guys.

So let's see, pretty much the holidays start with Halloween and all of that crazy candy business.  Now, this is interesting because when you have kids it is actually people GIVING AWAY free candy and DELIVERING IT right to me, and I am supposed to be like Nah, thanks.  That's okay.  I'll just have an apple. This is one step away from sticking a funnel in my mouth and pouring chocolate sauce down it. Hence, you will find me passed out on top of a pile of chocolate wrappers come Oct 31. Now you figure there is Thanksgiving coming along and then Christmas, and they all seem to scream out eat more and more and more!

So the summer seems like it would be a great time to eat healthy, but uh-oh.  BARBECUE.  That's all.  You walk outside, you smell meat, you are done for.  If you are me. Now I have the chips and the dips and let's enjoy the outside with the ice cream and the French fries and ...so that's summer.

And obviously I exercise my garbanzios off, but there is no amount of exercise you can do if you plan to eat the entire cast of Animal Farm.  I know, poor form, but so yummy.

There may be a small window (I'm thinking January and half of February) where a salad is allowed.  But of course you tell yourself those are very depressing months so you deserve a treat of sorts.  Bring out the cake! Let's cheer this place up.  Anyway, you may have noticed the address of this blog.  It is important to have pants that stretch.  And it is important to have pants at all.

Bug Spray

So there was a spray invented, and it's like magic, right?  No bugs.  How does this happen? Here I am,walking down the street.  Whistling.  A delicious treat for bugs...yummy.  Then you spray me with this (and I have to say I have no idea who was in charge of the branding here) OFF! bug spray and I am like Telfon.  Voila! No, we do want not to eat you, eiww. you are all disgusting......you are no longer meat for the bugs.  Interesting. What is in this?

It seems like whatever is in this should be sprayed into all of my bags of Doritos.  Problem solved. I am skinny.  Has nobody come up with this idea?

Here is the bug. He has a little suitcase. He is in love with me. There is a heart sticker PSYCHE. That is very sad. So the bugs are all rolly polly but they are horrified by my shellacking   I love you,bugs, but bye bye, *dead bug*. I am genuinely sorry that I am ruining the environment because I am taking the great meat off the table.



Recalibrate, and you will be okay, Blog. I love you,

Another Autistic Appointment

So anyway.

I am not sure what it is with driving and anxiety and autism and whatever.

But about a month ago, my sweet Ted had a terrif appointment that I was supposed to drive  him to: 35 minutes, 17 miles, what have you.

He was going to get "evaluated" and I had spent ten man hours putting together all of his paperwork. The IEP, the school psych diagnoses, his medical records from Einstein and even his birth certificate, Everything..  All these papers were in my lap and Teddy was in his booster seat as we jetted off to meet his Analyzer.

Guess what? I have a Garmin GPS, a Tomtom GPS, the blueprints of every highway,  the ghost of Ferdinand Magellan, and a magic eight ball that reads Ask Again Later. I got off the highway and knew I was lost.  Immediately.  So actually not "lost" because to get lost you have to actually work. You have to drive/walk/fidget around aimlessly. You have to have "circumstances",

What I did was - I took a wrong turn and called myself out RIGHT THERE.    A little different. Unfortunately the Exxon Station that I plowed into for directions had no idea where Park Ave was... they literally said, never heard of it.  Being a New Yorker, I was like um.... really?

So at this point the drs office is calling my phone and asking where are you? But I am driving and I cannot

get the phone out of my purse
connect the call on my phone
listen to beyotchy receptionists ask me where I am

Cause when I am driving I have to like concentrate on the driving part.  So what happens is, we miss the appointment because I can't get there on time.  Travesty.    And sweet Ted has his little Spiderman crocs on, feet up against the seat.  I am crying.  And Ted is all, it's cool mom.

So I go anyway to drop off the mounds of paperwork.  Oh and by the way in order to find it I did have to open a closet to Narnia, hum the tune to the Twilight Zone and polish off an emerald amulet.  I am hoping that once they see me CRYING and the cuteness of Ted they will take us anyway. No such luck.  Remade the appointment for October 21.

Not kidding when I tell you we left at three and got back home at nine pm.

I Was Born and Raised in NYC

BLOG!  How are you?  I had TWENTY THREE people tell me we should get back together.  Also, I missed you.  And I think we can make it work if we just accept the fact that sometimes blogs have to be left alone. To grow. And other stuff.

Also my kids are on vacation so I don't know what the hell to do with myself. For realz.

So I think I told you when we were having one of our late night "pillow talks" that I can't get out of my own refrigerator without a compass rose, paper map, garmin and tomtom gps, the ghost of ponce de leon (though that beeyotch never found the fountain of youth, I have to say) and a pre-programmed Uber cab driver.

Seriously and no freaking joke.  Every day, I am like just get out of the fridge.  Open the door, and you are home free.  And by the time my little fist hits the handle I am like, how come rainbows and unicorns never hosted their own pbs telethon?

The detail I left out, Bloggy, is that (and I am pretty sure this is a universal rule Einstein forgot to notate) all that changes once you go through the Holland Tunnel.  Or Lincoln Tunnel if you happened to be slightly distracted going north on the turnpike.  But whatevs.

So my darling children are very used to my saying Hey let's go to Applebee's and they end up having to buy fur coats in Alaska's only Wal-Mart cause I am like Applebee's was right here yesterday but then I started thinking about how many pistons equate to how much horsepower and I can't really believe the scientists accepted horsepower as an actual term seems like they could have changed that to something a bit more scientific sounding...


So my handsome little boy likes to look at one of my two GPSes in the car.  He basically gets hypnotized by the arrow and loves to report the changing speed limit, our current speed and what direction we are traveling in his husky robot voice.  Of course he thinks he is helping and of course, if you are me, he is nothing more than ANOTHER voice in my head saying turn left wait no right no that's right, right, right?  But about two weeks ago, we traveled into NYC to visit the one and only Grandma Patsy and it had been awhile since we had been in the city.  So Teddy was doing his usual GPS narration and he was like

MOM! You are supposed to turn right on CUH-NALL street.  And I was like, oh dear boy, everything is different now.  We are in THE CITY.  And I of course was met with the skeptic silence only Ted can channel.  Which I of course didn't bother trying to argue with.  I was just like, mommy grew up here and it's a bit different. More crickets.

No matter. About four hours later, right after I had taught him how to jump a turnstile in the subway and explained why that was ethically not stealing, we lost Grandma Patsy due to a tragic Metro Card incident.  Helen and Teddy looked panicked when Grandma Patsy flitted up the subway stairs with a cheery See you back at the apartment! and all they had left was....me. No GPS, no paper map, no compass rose.  I was like, kids, here is where I shine.  And I pulled out my "Just in case of emergencies Twizzler" from my back pocket (cause those things ain't never going bad) and I was like Each of you grab a hand or start figuring out how to create a Hooverville next to this guy playing the Titanic theme song on a harp and I will buy some more children from the dude selling double A batteries up here...

And man, my kids have never respected me more.  Twenty minutes later, we were in Grandma Patsy's apartment, our Twizzler dinner digesting and I was explaining how Broadway was sometimes WEST and sometimes EAST and they were like.....whoa.  Who IS this mom?  And I was like see this is why highways are for bitches.  We should be able to get everywhere on the L train.