PA driving

So lemme tellya about Pennsylvania.

I am not too happy about it. What a weird f-ing state. It's basically made up of two roads both of which are trying to kill me at night.  As soon as the sun goes down, those two roads are like wherrrre's Nancy, Let's turn off all the lights and get her.

So seriously the driving here sucks.  My eyes are bad at night.  I have these weird cataracts that make opposing light basically petrify me. So when I turn a corner and the light is in my face, the game is over, I may as well just pull over and eject people.

So there's that.  Also the roads are not labeled.  Everyone in PA got together and decided to steal all the street signs so nobody can ever tell where they are going.  It is super fun times.  I mean, I will admit, I am not the best with directions but come on.  At least give me chance. I am constantly like are we on the right roooooaaaa? oh well I guess we'll wait until I drive another million miles in the wrong direction on this two way streeet of no lighting while the headlights of the tracor trailor are coming at me full on.  Yay.

Also the roads are very very skinny.  So that always helps. And twisty.  Don't forget twisty.

I like Texas.  In Texas you can drive across all six hundred lanes at ninety miles an hour because that is their speed limit.  Everything is well lit and if you get lost, a cowboy boot just kicks you down the old highway to your destination.  Thanks for coming, y'all!

Jesus Christ is Risen Today!

And it's important that the Easter Bunny spells some shit wrong.   He/she is after all.... a bunny.  And from what I gather, has no formal education of any sort.  I am a human and have had formal education.  I spell lots of shit wrong.  It's not all apples and oranges.

It's v important that Eleanor's name is spelled incorrectly because she is only three and the Easter Bunny hasn't had time to really get used to her. Also, lots of people spell Eleanor wrong.  Her dad did on her birth certificate.  So come on.

Also, I want to stress once AGAIN, that the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus Tooth Fairy Triumvirate really do not have TIME to be bother with all of this spelling. They are hiding teeth and eggs and chocolates and quarters and gifts and it all gets very confusing. Especially when there is more than ONE child.  Like a million children or something.  Imagine mommy finding a tooth stuck to a quarter on her Christmas duck!  That's when the magic (wine) has to take over.


So there you have it.  Happy Easter!

Easter Card

Helen

Okay so I get this thing in the mail.  Pretty much nothing good comes in the mail.  And it is a serious letter from Helen's school because she has been absent three times without a note.  I forgot the note, Bloggy.  I guess the note is where it is at.  We took a vacay and I forgot to send in the NOTE.

So whaddya  need now: three notes to her school stating where she was?  Absolutely ridiculous.

They are saying they are going to file a citation against me.  Thanks guys, I don't have enough stress in my life.  Let's just pile it all on.

E rabbit

I just had the hugest salad of my life.  It may turn me into a rabbit. I'm waiting to see.  So today E was just playing and she said:

My butt is so crazy.

Also yesterday we went to Wawa and this woman held the door for her and E said in a loud voice I DO NOT LIKE HER.  And I was like why?  And E was like I am not her best friend.  So then a man held the door for us going out and guess what?  E was like I DO NOT LIKE HIM.  I am not his best friend.

I only like my mommy and my daddy and my brother and my sister.  Then she sighs.

 (She is a big sigher.) And I love me.

Amen, E. Amen.

Watch Out Self Tanner

Man Blog.  Sometimes, I got nuthin.  And then all of a sudden I have so many thing s to tell you.  I am effusive

Self tanner.   HA HA HA HA a lot of these products say wait four to six hours.

Wait four to six hours?  Great I would LOVE to wait four to six hours to see what the heck I was spritzing wrong.  It's been a minute,  Am I tan yet?

Okay well I also do not want to be orange.... Have orange ish tinges, anything to do with orange is not my color. Annnnd nothing rhymes with orange

I would like brown please.  A nice cool brown that makes me look like I just stepped out of my helicopter from the the DR.  Oh, wait?  Did I drop my diamond earring?

I mean look at this pic.   Redonk.  And it doesn't stop here.  I will spray all the self tanner everywhere.  A coating. But this opens up a world of opportunities.  Things I can write on you. Why not?  Also invisible ink.  Same thing.  WATCH OUT self tanner

Four to six hours later.....

these are actual rivulets.

Spring

So hubby is home on spring break this morning but the children's spring break is next week,

Ta da!

So husband is like what a wonderful day of relaaxxxxxxxx-

TEDDY YOU IDIOT THAT IS MY BREAKFAST CEREAL I ALREADY TOLD YOU NOT TO SIT THERE

Eleanor flies in between my legs holding toilet paper and nail polish. *pancakes* pancakes*

Mom says guys guys guys three minutes till the bus you need your snack you need your snack you need your snaaaaaaaaack.

SHE JUST PUNCHED ME.

Okay kisses and teethies and homework and hairbrushed and snack and sign this and Ted had this form for today pick up on tonight only and you need lunch money again??

Doors close, buses go, mom turns

Dad's like,,,,wait wha what time is it?

I'm like 8:11.
'
Dad's like:  whoa.

E can paint her toenails....sort of

St Patrick's Day

De Sapio

So I come from Stuyvesant Town or PCV.  Whatevs.   It's all a freaking day spa now.  Yawn.

I really don't know much about the DeSapios in terms of I am not even sure if I am spelling their name right.

 Anyway, it seems on facebook that Billy lived a short life.  And that is not cool. At all. So it is St Patrick's Day and was that his favorite day?  Or his birthday? I am not sure.

I can't imagine if Billy would even know about facebook,  It seems like he was taken away from us a long time ago.  I know his number is 9.  (Mine was 10)  and I know he was big brother to Martin.


Here were go, Bloggy. *hardcore stuff* I think about death a lot because I have kids, I guess.  As in, what if they were taken away from me?  That would be horrible.  What if. What if.

Also, how would you go about explaining   facebook to someone?

Cereal Can't Hurt You

One would think.  What a delicious breakfast treat! Vitamins upon vitamins.  Milk is involved. Nutritious, healthy.  MADE to be good for you.


But it's like everything.  I'm not your best friend anymore. E and I had this conversation in the car this morning:

Mama:  I am your best friend and I want you to buckle.

E:  I am not your best friend anymore.

Mama:  I am still your best friend but I need you to buckle,

E: No more best friend talk!

Mama: That's cool, But you should definitely buckle.  Also, I am still your best friend. I love you.

E: (sighs) I am so tired.  No more best friend talk.  Mommy, I am not your best friend.

Mama:  Whaaaaaat? I am your best friend, And I just bought you apple juice.  So shut it. And buckle.

E: I am so TIRED.

Mama: Me, too.   Are you my best friend?

E nods.

We're cool, then.

Baby Snots On Ya

Is my cat.  Obvs.  Let me tell you.  She saved m life, and I saved hers.

She is fourteen years old and she has seen it all.   She's like, I remember that guy.   What a waste of time.  Moving fwd.  Yawn.  My first child.  Well, the first being that I nurtured.  I gave her some water and some food and took her on long walks by the East River when we were both young.  She had a leash that she was not that into.  But somehow, we made it work.  That day was super fun.

There were only two people at my kickboxing class this morning.  One was moi. What is up with that?  Well, we do all need to work.  But it is only 4% of your day, as they say.  Okay so my Bloggy

BL just sat on the comp.  Good times.  And I want waffles.  I adore waffles.  I would seriously love some waffle right now with butter and syrup. Oh em gee.  Uncle  Kenny says I am crazy;  My mother says I am crazy.  I say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, ma dears. I can't believe it is two o'clock already!

Monday Morning

Always good times.  Okay so the news is I cut my thumb and I am probably not gonna make it.  It hurts.  I was cooking. I need a full medical team on standby.  Or just some attention.

Also it is raining which makes me want to sit on top of the wood burning stove. Not a smart move so I will sit beside it. Better idea.  I have Mt Laundry to conquer.  But I also have a headache and lots of lovely beds to sleep in.  Hmm, decisions.

Teddy has been doing great in school.  He has gotten great behavior sheets for the last two weeks. One even had one hundred (perfect!) score.  So lets' hope that holds steady.  We have also enrolled him in Camp Fatima for two weeks this summer, thanks to my benefactor, Gma Patsy,  Helen is on the waiting list for the same session (3) and hopefully they will go at the same time.  I think it will be good for him because they have a strict schedule, which he loves.  I will try to prepare him as much as I can, and hopefully that will help.  H will have no problem with it and I think she will make friends quickly.  Ted I was a little worried about, for obvious reasons.  But hopefully, they will be able to tire him out and keep him entertained with lots of stuff.

I didn't feel like putting makeup on today so I just dropped E off at daycare sans face.  Nancy without makeup is basically a different person altogether.  So if you came to the front door and I had no make up on, you would be like, Hey, I am looking for Nancy, and I would be like, I am right here, and you would be like no, you are a ten year old boy, I want NANCY.

Its the blonde eyelashes, Bloggy,

Donations are easier if you click the website version from your iPhone. My friend Siobhan said it.

Neighbors

So one thing Anne J. Morley taught me was to visit your neighbors. I just came back from Pauline's.  I am in the grocery store looking at Caitlin Bruce Jenner Kard Crash Agains or whatever and he is thinking about adopting a boy.

Um, okay. Who is going to give this "guy" a boy baby? WHO is giving this boy a baby to raise?

First of all, isn't he nine hundred years old? Also not sure about his parts?  Bloggy, I am pretty upset. I mean I have no money.  And three kids. And here this guy/gal has lotsa money and one alleged kid. This poor kid.   It's not right.  Sometimes. the world is not right.

Sadness abounds,  I am sad.

Size zero

Okay.  I mean I do not consider myself to be a overweight.  I was in Banana Republic and for some reason I feel like BR really makes you feel fat. They must have conferences where they say lets make this rubber band a dress and call it a size ten,  So I am in there and several things happen.

Many people yell for size zeroes.  Um Okay.  Size zero?  Double zero? Are you okay?  Do you need a cheeseburgr?  So this woman is like Harumpf no.  The zero is too big I need a double zero.

Hold up. Okay perhaps you are Asian.  Then you are exempt.  But from what I can see?  Just walking along the regular old path of the regular old life? We are not stick insects.  We have the curves and the butts and the boobs and all of this flesh is not designed to fit in a size double zero, Twiggy. Plus, can we just spend a moment and think about what you are aspiring to.  The number zero. The big goose egg  Ouch.

So I try on a size what have you.  And then sometimes they like to change it up and now we are doing 26 27 28 29 sizes.  Okay. A 28 is a size 6 or something.  I think.  Anyway, I got jeans. Boyfriend style or something.  V cute.


But seriously who is buying these clothes, Banana Republic?  Hmm.. maybe rich twelve year olds...

Face Time

Which I guess is Skype for the iPhone or whathaveyou.  Who doesn't love faces, anyway?

So I have been on Face Time twice in my life and both were freak accidents.  The first time H pressed the wrong button and Uncle Kenny popped up in our living room.  It was crazy.  I ended up getting a tour of Laguna Beach.

The second time I was on the phone with my good friend, Jennifer Sikes, and we were just chatting like in the olden days, when two people listened to each other's voices.  Then somehow, my ear pressed a button and Bam! I am breastfeeding Jen's newborn.

Well sort of.  Jennifer was in fact in the middle of breastfeeding, and neither one of us were prepared for our live high definition tv chat, but of course we are great friends so after a frantic couple of moments "checking" various things (teeth, background, nudity, etc), we got a good laugh about all of that craziness and then yes immediately started inspecting the inside of our nostrils with the camera.  What can I say?  We are very mature.

But it is the Cogswell Cogs in The Jetsons, Bloggy.

Flu Shot

Kay.  Right?  So the flu shot.  Yes, okay.  You can give me a shot, and it will hurt.  No good.  Then you will tell me I may develop "flu-like symptoms"

pardon....flu-like?
               flu-nolike

Okay what is LIKE a flu symptom?  Sorta a runny nose but not really? A limping nose.   Yes.  There it is.  A nose with crutches. It keeps getting caught in the grates of NYC.

So yes the man with the white coat says get this shot and you won't get the flu. You'll just get strep throat. Awesome.  Where do I sign up for these shots?  Sounds fantab!

Ha but then no they are like different STRAINS of the flu, so you really get a flu shot to protect yourself from maybe three strains of flu:

Flura, Fluorentine and Fluppi poops.

But see.

Fluenza was never gonna be all up in that bizz, yo.  She has her own gig going on.  She is all up in MA BIZZNESS IN MA HOUSE CUZ SHE GOTS TA HAVE SOME SPACE UP IN HER CRIB.

See, Fluenza is the fourth strain, Bloggy.  The fourth strain that has been waiting outside the pharmacy doors to cough in your face.

Hiya Gma Pats I See You

Um, Bloggy?  I've been sick.  It is a true story.  Grandma Patsy took us all to the circus in NYC on Sat and then tried to kill us.   No no no, Grandma Patsy would never!  Although IF she were thinking along those lines she poisoned us well. She offered us delicious food with poison.  Not Kibbles n' Bits.  I wouldn't go for that.

Grandma Patsy took us to the CIRCUS Bloggy.  Awesome times.  Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey and Big Apple.  Wait I get confused.  Ringling Barnum Bailey Brothers Apples Big whatevs it is the circus hurrah!  But apparently some peeps are against the circus because of the animals.  Which I get.  So then I was thinking are the animals unhappy?  Because they are generations of animals that perform, no?  and then Gma Patsy was laughing at me cause she was like they don't breed them in the circus. And I was like, I think they sort of do.  I mean, they don't stroll up to the jungles of Africa with a shopping cart, right? (And then use the express lane cause it is only one item, right?)

I suppose I could look this up.  I could also drink some more soup and look at my new flip flops.  Oh, decisions.

Also: E's first subway ride!

Priorities

Man, I am always in typo land.  I typo everything because my fingers just do not want to agree with me. I think its because I go fast fast fast like  a bunny.  Is there a way to  Velcro the letters onto your finger pads?  Maybe stamps pads.  I think I am on to something.....


Okay so there is not really big news here except that I almost lost my life coming out of the playroom because I slipped on one of E's Paw Patrol Pups, which formed a line in the doorway and out into the hall.  So I was like walking and then what the H baskets my leg slips out from under me and I am like doing a split with one leg in the playroom and one leg in the hallway and I am like OW. Damn.  What WAS THAT?

So Ted hears me fall and he is like, are you okay mom? And I am like I think so maybe now I am just a little bit flexier.

And what has to happen?  I must immediately amputate all my wounds and focus on E because I have BROKEN HER MARSHALL PAW PATROL.


Mommy you broked my mashall!


I'm like, word.  I guess I'm okay.

Ilovekicboxing.com

So obvs the Y and I are not best friends anymore.  I mean, it just sorta happened.  Because the Y had to be all TWENTY MINUTES AWAY and stuff, and I was like really Y?  What is up with the high maintenance?

Ilovekickboxing.com in Warminster is where mama gets her workout on nowadays. Because it grew in my backyard, I am forced to step over the kickboxing class when I deliver E to daycare.  It's like there is no way around it.  I was CLAWING to get out of the riptide of laziness and those bitches kept sucking me back in, so one day I was like okay lemme go check this place out. Sniff. sniff.

{I just became interrupted by H giving me a puberty flyer.  For reals.  It's a flyer about puberty and what they are gonna do about it in her school. Okay)

Anyway, ilovekickboxing.com is pretty awesome.  The people are super nice and it smells good.  I like things that smell good.  Often, I am not one of them.  The instructors scream at you to get in shape and you are supposed to do things like burpees, mountain climbers and lunges.  You are not supposed to smoke cigs and drink beer on the floor. If I can keep all of that straight, I am off to an amazing start,

Also everyone looks really ripped.  So hopefully that will be me some day.

Baby Lasagna Jumps Rope

The Silent Baby

So E is upstairs in her bath...and she is sing-songing to herself with her Paw Patrol Pups and her Sesame Street bath book and you know...bubble time.

The hubs has taken the two older children out to H's bball practice.  It's just me and E.  So I start thinking about when how when my younger sister was this age I used to hear her around the apartment mating her Snoopy dolls. She was 3 or 4 and we had Anne. J Morley as our nanny.  Anne liked her soaps so my little sister was always watching  Ryan's Hope or Days of Our Lives or General Hospital. 

Consequently, both of her Snoopy dolls could be caught in flagrante delicto. And saying things to each other.  Like You'd better hide in the closet  because my husband forgot his keys!and I (older sis at nine years) would just be like strolling through the hallway listening and then stop suddenly like  WHAAAT?

Snoopy and Miss Snoopy would do some seriously bad things to each other (as acted out on Day of Our Lives) so Miss Snoopy would be like fastening her lingerie while Mr. Snoopy was looking through the curtain

So the point is... they have this whole spiel. And its normal for 3 year olds to play act and figure out scenarios . Hysterical. So what gets me is that H did not speak until she was four years old.  So I never had that.  Like what the F was going on with that and it could be a major contributing factor to my first divorce.  It's very tough to raise kids with special needs.  And then you throw Ted in the wake.  It's kind of confusing.