Thursday, April 21, 2016
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
Hurrah!
So I defintenely jacked up my hand. I was mopping the kitchen floor. And ta da! I did a backhanded split somersault and thank God because I slipped on the Pine Glo. I came out okay. Or at least here. However, I have one ring finger that is not with all the ants go marching one by one hurrah hurrah. The ants go marching one by one hurrah hurrah!
Wow, I got distracted because that is a great song. I kinda just wanna hurrah out of here. Hurrah! Hurrah! March march march march (I'm at the library) Hurrah to the car.
Anyway, Bloggy, how have you been? I have missed you but my hand....eiw. Pic maybe but it is gross.
I told you. Damn.
So now that Ted has been doing great I have to get back on the saddle with the chores. I have another chart. Me and my charts, go marching one by one, hurrah.
Wow, I got distracted because that is a great song. I kinda just wanna hurrah out of here. Hurrah! Hurrah! March march march march (I'm at the library) Hurrah to the car.
Anyway, Bloggy, how have you been? I have missed you but my hand....eiw. Pic maybe but it is gross.
So now that Ted has been doing great I have to get back on the saddle with the chores. I have another chart. Me and my charts, go marching one by one, hurrah.
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
T update
Ted has been doing well. Every day, almost a hundred points on each behavior sheet. So of course I have not been jinxing it. But this morning I am like is everyone doing so great or just you? Either way, it's wonderful. And he is like I have no idea.
He has been completing homework and having play dates with other boys in the class. Talking about video games, being nice to his sisters...as much as an eight year old boy can be.
His birthday was April 6. He turned 8. He was like what are we gonna do for my birthday? For his 6th birthday I created a scavenger hunt that spelled out his name and flew around the property a la Goonies. I think he was crowned with a royal duck or something I mean it was great fun. But now every year he is like why are we not renting a yacht to fly into outerspace?
Careful what you wish for, Bloggy.
He has been completing homework and having play dates with other boys in the class. Talking about video games, being nice to his sisters...as much as an eight year old boy can be.
His birthday was April 6. He turned 8. He was like what are we gonna do for my birthday? For his 6th birthday I created a scavenger hunt that spelled out his name and flew around the property a la Goonies. I think he was crowned with a royal duck or something I mean it was great fun. But now every year he is like why are we not renting a yacht to fly into outerspace?
Careful what you wish for, Bloggy.
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Coach N
So I like to get the kids in with the sports. This was the first real year where everything fell into place and H and T could give different sports a try. Hockey, basketball softball, swimming, tennis. I have been telling you all about it, Bloggy. Some at the Y and some in our township.
In Warmnister Township, everything is pretty much voluntary. So the coaches, the refs, all of it are just good people doing awesome things. The woman who ran the Warminster Basketball league for both H and T had about fourteen kids who simultaneously reffed and coached and handed out juice boxes. They were all named Mary Kate Mc something. Mary Kate McAlice. Alice McMary Kate.
When basketball season was wrapping up, two adults sitting behind cafeteria tables with laptops appeared These people were like all pretending they just happened to.... wake up all of a sudden.. in the cafeteria with a laptop on their person. So I walked up to one (cause I thought they were like selling COOKIES obvs) and I was like, Hey what are you all doing and they were the
Softball peeps. Wouldn't ya know, my statistics machine just HAPPENED to plant itself in front of the dying basketball rookies. Anyone up for a game or two? I am not sure why they have to be all on the sly but it was seriously CIA bizz.
So I was like hey sure lets sign everybody up for everything and yay sports I just happen to have a check on me and all of a sudden H and T are you-kneed for the Montreal Expos or whavetever.
*Cut to H and T holding Montreal Expos Cabbage Patch Kids* Wafting banners*
On the registration sheet, they ask for all of your cell phone numbers, emergency contacts, venereal diseases and sketchy family members. There are also several boxes that say hey what can you do for us? Sell cookies? Set up tables? Coach? Asst Coach? Irish Step Dance?
So of course I am all in the mode and I check off the box that says coach. I mean, hell, I played softball like a mo fo. My batting average was off the charts and I can still swing a bat like Ted Williams. No doubt I could coach, It would be fun.
And of course nothing happens for years (minutes). And I am like, this is my kinda league. Every once in awhile I wake up with a start, thinking, man remember when I checked the coach box? Eh, snooooooze.
So. I almost just want to cut and paste the various emails that have ensued But that would be inappropriate. And I could probably get sued. Let's just say, I was called a couple of weeks ago when the league was starting and the one phone call was so serious it scared the pants off of me to the point where I resigned my coaching status post haste via iPhone the Sunday morning after.
I totally bowed out (best decision ever) because I simply was out of my element.Which is what I said in explanation, but I didn't even get a reply email. I felt a little guilty cause it would have been great fun for Helen, But I mean I would have trouble finding the fields we practiced on and here within the MINUTE that I hang up my boots, I get an email from my replacement who has an excel spreadsheet that times and dates every little league practice and game in Warmisnter since the Civil War.
Hmm okay here is one just cause I have to
Hi Nancy. I am just checking to see if Helen is still interested in playing softball. She has missed the first 2 practices and so I was unsure if she has changed her mind. Please let me know so I can plan my roster accordingly. Thank you:)
In Warmnister Township, everything is pretty much voluntary. So the coaches, the refs, all of it are just good people doing awesome things. The woman who ran the Warminster Basketball league for both H and T had about fourteen kids who simultaneously reffed and coached and handed out juice boxes. They were all named Mary Kate Mc something. Mary Kate McAlice. Alice McMary Kate.
When basketball season was wrapping up, two adults sitting behind cafeteria tables with laptops appeared These people were like all pretending they just happened to.... wake up all of a sudden.. in the cafeteria with a laptop on their person. So I walked up to one (cause I thought they were like selling COOKIES obvs) and I was like, Hey what are you all doing and they were the
Softball peeps. Wouldn't ya know, my statistics machine just HAPPENED to plant itself in front of the dying basketball rookies. Anyone up for a game or two? I am not sure why they have to be all on the sly but it was seriously CIA bizz.
So I was like hey sure lets sign everybody up for everything and yay sports I just happen to have a check on me and all of a sudden H and T are you-kneed for the Montreal Expos or whavetever.
*Cut to H and T holding Montreal Expos Cabbage Patch Kids* Wafting banners*
On the registration sheet, they ask for all of your cell phone numbers, emergency contacts, venereal diseases and sketchy family members. There are also several boxes that say hey what can you do for us? Sell cookies? Set up tables? Coach? Asst Coach? Irish Step Dance?
So of course I am all in the mode and I check off the box that says coach. I mean, hell, I played softball like a mo fo. My batting average was off the charts and I can still swing a bat like Ted Williams. No doubt I could coach, It would be fun.
And of course nothing happens for years (minutes). And I am like, this is my kinda league. Every once in awhile I wake up with a start, thinking, man remember when I checked the coach box? Eh, snooooooze.
So. I almost just want to cut and paste the various emails that have ensued But that would be inappropriate. And I could probably get sued. Let's just say, I was called a couple of weeks ago when the league was starting and the one phone call was so serious it scared the pants off of me to the point where I resigned my coaching status post haste via iPhone the Sunday morning after.
I totally bowed out (best decision ever) because I simply was out of my element.Which is what I said in explanation, but I didn't even get a reply email. I felt a little guilty cause it would have been great fun for Helen, But I mean I would have trouble finding the fields we practiced on and here within the MINUTE that I hang up my boots, I get an email from my replacement who has an excel spreadsheet that times and dates every little league practice and game in Warmisnter since the Civil War.
Hmm okay here is one just cause I have to
Hi Nancy. I am just checking to see if Helen is still interested in playing softball. She has missed the first 2 practices and so I was unsure if she has changed her mind. Please let me know so I can plan my roster accordingly. Thank you:)
Saturday, April 9, 2016
April Cold.
Bloggy, you are almost a year old. Happy Birthday. Baby Lasagna's birthday is in April. (Baby Lasagna is my cat, Bloggy). Along with many other contenders starring: my son, my mom, my sis and my hubs. But also the cat's.
My god it is so freaking cold in April, For realz? Softball and baseball practices are cancelled due to SNOW. Okay, global warming. Well played.
Let's see. Helen is short and Eleanor is tall. What else is new. Oh Helen says she may be getting the puberty any day now. So I have that to look forward to. Nothing like any old reminder that we are all just ANIMALS. As Baby Lasagna blinks at me and stalks away. (Baby Lasagna is my cat, Bloggy.)
Man I am not trying to brag but the amount of people on facebook who have blocked me? Is a lot. Ha ha, Haters. This makes me sort of famous. I mean, I don't know what you have to do to actually block someone on facebook (as I have blocked nobody and pretty much love everybody except evil peeps). Like I seriously would not know how to do it. Because doesn't blocking someone mean you kind of think about them?
But for real sometimes I think about random peeps and I am like hey I wonder how they are doing and they were always so nice and I hope they are well and what are they up to AND WHA...? Oh, they blocked me. Huh. Guess that feeling isn't reciprocal. Ha. I am going to play with my OTHER FRIENDS in the sandbox. Cause that's the way bitches roll.
My god it is so freaking cold in April, For realz? Softball and baseball practices are cancelled due to SNOW. Okay, global warming. Well played.
Let's see. Helen is short and Eleanor is tall. What else is new. Oh Helen says she may be getting the puberty any day now. So I have that to look forward to. Nothing like any old reminder that we are all just ANIMALS. As Baby Lasagna blinks at me and stalks away. (Baby Lasagna is my cat, Bloggy.)
Man I am not trying to brag but the amount of people on facebook who have blocked me? Is a lot. Ha ha, Haters. This makes me sort of famous. I mean, I don't know what you have to do to actually block someone on facebook (as I have blocked nobody and pretty much love everybody except evil peeps). Like I seriously would not know how to do it. Because doesn't blocking someone mean you kind of think about them?
But for real sometimes I think about random peeps and I am like hey I wonder how they are doing and they were always so nice and I hope they are well and what are they up to AND WHA...? Oh, they blocked me. Huh. Guess that feeling isn't reciprocal. Ha. I am going to play with my OTHER FRIENDS in the sandbox. Cause that's the way bitches roll.
My Fake Nails List
Things I can do with my fake nails
Make coffee
Type like a bad ass
Sleep
Kickbox
Clean the house
(things I CAN DO, not things I am GONNA DO, Blog. Jeez You always have to be so specific)
Type this blog
Listen to stuff
Scratch like a mo fo
(sometimes Grandma Patsy has to look up my sayings in an urban slang dictionary Bloggy. No joke, Do you think she will get mo fo? Grandma Patsy, if you are somewhere out there, don't waste your time its MUTHA FUCKER. Shit, Grandma Patsy is gonna be pissed. She doesn't like it when I curse. She sent me to Catholic school, Bloggy. For like a lot of years. And look what happened. Sigh)
Eat chocolate donuts
Eat chocolate
Eat donuts
Eat anything really
I am so hugry
Was this a list of something?
Make coffee
Type like a bad ass
Sleep
Kickbox
Clean the house
(things I CAN DO, not things I am GONNA DO, Blog. Jeez You always have to be so specific)
Type this blog
Listen to stuff
Scratch like a mo fo
(sometimes Grandma Patsy has to look up my sayings in an urban slang dictionary Bloggy. No joke, Do you think she will get mo fo? Grandma Patsy, if you are somewhere out there, don't waste your time its MUTHA FUCKER. Shit, Grandma Patsy is gonna be pissed. She doesn't like it when I curse. She sent me to Catholic school, Bloggy. For like a lot of years. And look what happened. Sigh)
Eat chocolate donuts
Eat chocolate
Eat donuts
Eat anything really
I am so hugry
Was this a list of something?
Friday, April 8, 2016
Nailed it
All I hear is Teddy saying GET OUT GET OUT ha ha well you know the vending machine was always the mending machine,
Eleanor is all about the obstacles. So there are fourteen stepping stools in front of the toilet. Obvs I have to Spiderman that course.
So what was I talking about? Maybe fake nails. I have them now so let see. I thought at first oh my god hell no get these ridiculous things off of me and I was like trying to bite them off because apparently once they gel you they GEL YOU and its basically cement. No turning back, in other words. Sort of like when you try to put a prosthetic limb on. Your body just rejects that shiz. Your body's like whaaaa? Nah.
Okay then I said to the fake nails just make them look very NATURAL which immediately makes them sprout feathers and start squawking out walkie-talkie alerts. Au naturale.
So now I have gel nails for a bit. Interesting. I can tap tap tap away clickety split styles on the old keyboard and I can scratch the F out of any limb that dares settle by me. Other than that, not much has changed,
Although I do like to present my hands in various settings. Like by my face....... On top of secret mystery man's shoulder...... Or perhaps surrounded by various fruits. ....Yes, my hands like grapes. And showcasing grapes.
Hmmm what else can these nails do?
Eleanor is all about the obstacles. So there are fourteen stepping stools in front of the toilet. Obvs I have to Spiderman that course.
So what was I talking about? Maybe fake nails. I have them now so let see. I thought at first oh my god hell no get these ridiculous things off of me and I was like trying to bite them off because apparently once they gel you they GEL YOU and its basically cement. No turning back, in other words. Sort of like when you try to put a prosthetic limb on. Your body just rejects that shiz. Your body's like whaaaa? Nah.
Okay then I said to the fake nails just make them look very NATURAL which immediately makes them sprout feathers and start squawking out walkie-talkie alerts. Au naturale.
So now I have gel nails for a bit. Interesting. I can tap tap tap away clickety split styles on the old keyboard and I can scratch the F out of any limb that dares settle by me. Other than that, not much has changed,
Although I do like to present my hands in various settings. Like by my face....... On top of secret mystery man's shoulder...... Or perhaps surrounded by various fruits. ....Yes, my hands like grapes. And showcasing grapes.
Hmmm what else can these nails do?
Thursday, April 7, 2016
ILKB
So I was gonna blog and then some things started happening
First let go with the kids and what they say
When I get a notification on my phone, the kids say here is your naughtification.
When E throws up/vomits She “spilled it” She actually apologizes :(.
Helen read the Cambells soup label and called it Camp Bulls. So she was like yes lets’s have dinner at Camp Bulls. And I was like wait whaf? And then I was like, absolutetly.
I got in trubs today for touching butts. I am always getting in trubs. Annette was like, I love your playfullness. Please keep your hand off my ass. And I was like Touche, Annette. Maybe a little too friendly. I mean, if there is one thing I want to get in trouble for? It's probably scrunching butts.
So that was my day in a nutshell.
ilovekickboxing.com warminster :)
Wait also today is Grandma Patsy's birthday. And yesterday was Ted's and Hubs combined. So pretty much I am birthdayed out.
First let go with the kids and what they say
When I get a notification on my phone, the kids say here is your naughtification.
When E throws up/vomits She “spilled it” She actually apologizes :(.
Helen read the Cambells soup label and called it Camp Bulls. So she was like yes lets’s have dinner at Camp Bulls. And I was like wait whaf? And then I was like, absolutetly.
I got in trubs today for touching butts. I am always getting in trubs. Annette was like, I love your playfullness. Please keep your hand off my ass. And I was like Touche, Annette. Maybe a little too friendly. I mean, if there is one thing I want to get in trouble for? It's probably scrunching butts.
So that was my day in a nutshell.
ilovekickboxing.com warminster :)
Wait also today is Grandma Patsy's birthday. And yesterday was Ted's and Hubs combined. So pretty much I am birthdayed out.
Sunday, April 3, 2016
Screen Time
Here is what screen time does to my kids:
1. Pupils peeled into curlicues. Zombified. Googly eyes..
2. One hand automatically turns into a boxing glove that punches anything standing in between screen and child. This gloved hand is on a spring. It goes everywhere. Sometimes, it sporadically boings out of the stomach.
3. Eyeballs pasted to technicolor. Lashes shellacked to buzzing screen.
4. Crickets. Just the crickets..
5. Static.
6. Hair. Lots of hair over the screen. A wave of neon platinum hair and glow.
7. Tapping. And clicking. A lot of TAPPING and CLICKING and SLIDING and PRESSING. (Is this a touch screen? Is this a touch screen? Maybe if I POUND MY THUMB OVER HERE I'LL FIND OUT)
8. Hypnotism. Tourrette's Syndrome staccato. Wha? Who? No. Eiw. Stop. Harumpf. Blech.
9. Random burping with no apologies.
10. Speechless. If speaking, can only grunt with eyes slightly open.
1. Pupils peeled into curlicues. Zombified. Googly eyes..
2. One hand automatically turns into a boxing glove that punches anything standing in between screen and child. This gloved hand is on a spring. It goes everywhere. Sometimes, it sporadically boings out of the stomach.
3. Eyeballs pasted to technicolor. Lashes shellacked to buzzing screen.
4. Crickets. Just the crickets..
5. Static.
6. Hair. Lots of hair over the screen. A wave of neon platinum hair and glow.
7. Tapping. And clicking. A lot of TAPPING and CLICKING and SLIDING and PRESSING. (Is this a touch screen? Is this a touch screen? Maybe if I POUND MY THUMB OVER HERE I'LL FIND OUT)
8. Hypnotism. Tourrette's Syndrome staccato. Wha? Who? No. Eiw. Stop. Harumpf. Blech.
9. Random burping with no apologies.
10. Speechless. If speaking, can only grunt with eyes slightly open.
Sugar high
Half of a donut is hanging out of my mouth right now. I just swooped it in there with my tongue of sorts while typing with both hands because, well I can. I am not proud of this, but well looks like I am a little bit.
So the women at say at forty you really have a hard time losing weight. So I decided today to go out and eat a bakery. I am only 39 until November. Should be interesting. I definitely like to use my body as science experiments.
Sorry Bloggy I have been a bit remiss. I am here, with my tootsie rolls and donuts and a picture of me kickboxing! I have titled this pic .... Haunches.
Interresante!
So the women at say at forty you really have a hard time losing weight. So I decided today to go out and eat a bakery. I am only 39 until November. Should be interesting. I definitely like to use my body as science experiments.
Sorry Bloggy I have been a bit remiss. I am here, with my tootsie rolls and donuts and a picture of me kickboxing! I have titled this pic .... Haunches.
Interresante!
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
PA driving
So lemme tellya about Pennsylvania.
I am not too happy about it. What a weird f-ing state. It's basically made up of two roads both of which are trying to kill me at night. As soon as the sun goes down, those two roads are like wherrrre's Nancy, Let's turn off all the lights and get her.
So seriously the driving here sucks. My eyes are bad at night. I have these weird cataracts that make opposing light basically petrify me. So when I turn a corner and the light is in my face, the game is over, I may as well just pull over and eject people.
So there's that. Also the roads are not labeled. Everyone in PA got together and decided to steal all the street signs so nobody can ever tell where they are going. It is super fun times. I mean, I will admit, I am not the best with directions but come on. At least give me chance. I am constantly like are we on the right roooooaaaa? oh well I guess we'll wait until I drive another million miles in the wrong direction on this two way streeet of no lighting while the headlights of the tracor trailor are coming at me full on. Yay.
Also the roads are very very skinny. So that always helps. And twisty. Don't forget twisty.
I like Texas. In Texas you can drive across all six hundred lanes at ninety miles an hour because that is their speed limit. Everything is well lit and if you get lost, a cowboy boot just kicks you down the old highway to your destination. Thanks for coming, y'all!
I am not too happy about it. What a weird f-ing state. It's basically made up of two roads both of which are trying to kill me at night. As soon as the sun goes down, those two roads are like wherrrre's Nancy, Let's turn off all the lights and get her.
So seriously the driving here sucks. My eyes are bad at night. I have these weird cataracts that make opposing light basically petrify me. So when I turn a corner and the light is in my face, the game is over, I may as well just pull over and eject people.
So there's that. Also the roads are not labeled. Everyone in PA got together and decided to steal all the street signs so nobody can ever tell where they are going. It is super fun times. I mean, I will admit, I am not the best with directions but come on. At least give me chance. I am constantly like are we on the right roooooaaaa? oh well I guess we'll wait until I drive another million miles in the wrong direction on this two way streeet of no lighting while the headlights of the tracor trailor are coming at me full on. Yay.
Also the roads are very very skinny. So that always helps. And twisty. Don't forget twisty.
I like Texas. In Texas you can drive across all six hundred lanes at ninety miles an hour because that is their speed limit. Everything is well lit and if you get lost, a cowboy boot just kicks you down the old highway to your destination. Thanks for coming, y'all!
Sunday, March 27, 2016
Jesus Christ is Risen Today!
And it's important that the Easter Bunny spells some shit wrong. He/she is after all.... a bunny. And from what I gather, has no formal education of any sort. I am a human and have had formal education. I spell lots of shit wrong. It's not all apples and oranges.
It's v important that Eleanor's name is spelled incorrectly because she is only three and the Easter Bunny hasn't had time to really get used to her. Also, lots of people spell Eleanor wrong. Her dad did on her birth certificate. So come on.
Also, I want to stress once AGAIN, that the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus Tooth Fairy Triumvirate really do not have TIME to be bother with all of this spelling. They are hiding teeth and eggs and chocolates and quarters and gifts and it all gets very confusing. Especially when there is more than ONE child. Like a million children or something. Imagine mommy finding a tooth stuck to a quarter on her Christmas duck! That's when the magic (wine) has to take over.
So there you have it. Happy Easter!
It's v important that Eleanor's name is spelled incorrectly because she is only three and the Easter Bunny hasn't had time to really get used to her. Also, lots of people spell Eleanor wrong. Her dad did on her birth certificate. So come on.
Also, I want to stress once AGAIN, that the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus Tooth Fairy Triumvirate really do not have TIME to be bother with all of this spelling. They are hiding teeth and eggs and chocolates and quarters and gifts and it all gets very confusing. Especially when there is more than ONE child. Like a million children or something. Imagine mommy finding a tooth stuck to a quarter on her Christmas duck! That's when the magic (wine) has to take over.
So there you have it. Happy Easter!
Friday, March 25, 2016
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Helen
Okay so I get this thing in the mail. Pretty much nothing good comes in the mail. And it is a serious letter from Helen's school because she has been absent three times without a note. I forgot the note, Bloggy. I guess the note is where it is at. We took a vacay and I forgot to send in the NOTE.
So whaddya need now: three notes to her school stating where she was? Absolutely ridiculous.
They are saying they are going to file a citation against me. Thanks guys, I don't have enough stress in my life. Let's just pile it all on.
So whaddya need now: three notes to her school stating where she was? Absolutely ridiculous.
They are saying they are going to file a citation against me. Thanks guys, I don't have enough stress in my life. Let's just pile it all on.
E rabbit
I just had the hugest salad of my life. It may turn me into a rabbit. I'm waiting to see. So today E was just playing and she said:
My butt is so crazy.
Also yesterday we went to Wawa and this woman held the door for her and E said in a loud voice I DO NOT LIKE HER. And I was like why? And E was like I am not her best friend. So then a man held the door for us going out and guess what? E was like I DO NOT LIKE HIM. I am not his best friend.
I only like my mommy and my daddy and my brother and my sister. Then she sighs.
(She is a big sigher.) And I love me.
Amen, E. Amen.
My butt is so crazy.
Also yesterday we went to Wawa and this woman held the door for her and E said in a loud voice I DO NOT LIKE HER. And I was like why? And E was like I am not her best friend. So then a man held the door for us going out and guess what? E was like I DO NOT LIKE HIM. I am not his best friend.
I only like my mommy and my daddy and my brother and my sister. Then she sighs.
(She is a big sigher.) And I love me.
Amen, E. Amen.
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Watch Out Self Tanner
Man Blog. Sometimes, I got nuthin. And then all of a sudden I have so many thing s to tell you. I am effusive
Self tanner. HA HA HA HA a lot of these products say wait four to six hours.
Wait four to six hours? Great I would LOVE to wait four to six hours to see what the heck I was spritzing wrong. It's been a minute, Am I tan yet?
Okay well I also do not want to be orange.... Have orange ish tinges, anything to do with orange is not my color. Annnnd nothing rhymes with orange
I would like brown please. A nice cool brown that makes me look like I just stepped out of my helicopter from the the DR. Oh, wait? Did I drop my diamond earring?
I mean look at this pic. Redonk. And it doesn't stop here. I will spray all the self tanner everywhere. A coating. But this opens up a world of opportunities. Things I can write on you. Why not? Also invisible ink. Same thing. WATCH OUT self tanner
Four to six hours later.....
Self tanner. HA HA HA HA a lot of these products say wait four to six hours.
Wait four to six hours? Great I would LOVE to wait four to six hours to see what the heck I was spritzing wrong. It's been a minute, Am I tan yet?
Okay well I also do not want to be orange.... Have orange ish tinges, anything to do with orange is not my color. Annnnd nothing rhymes with orange
I would like brown please. A nice cool brown that makes me look like I just stepped out of my helicopter from the the DR. Oh, wait? Did I drop my diamond earring?
I mean look at this pic. Redonk. And it doesn't stop here. I will spray all the self tanner everywhere. A coating. But this opens up a world of opportunities. Things I can write on you. Why not? Also invisible ink. Same thing. WATCH OUT self tanner
Four to six hours later.....
these are actual rivulets.
Monday, March 21, 2016
Spring
So hubby is home on spring break this morning but the children's spring break is next week,
Ta da!
So husband is like what a wonderful day of relaaxxxxxxxx-
TEDDY YOU IDIOT THAT IS MY BREAKFAST CEREAL I ALREADY TOLD YOU NOT TO SIT THERE
Eleanor flies in between my legs holding toilet paper and nail polish. *pancakes* pancakes*
Mom says guys guys guys three minutes till the bus you need your snack you need your snack you need your snaaaaaaaaack.
SHE JUST PUNCHED ME.
Okay kisses and teethies and homework and hairbrushed and snack and sign this and Ted had this form for today pick up on tonight only and you need lunch money again??
Doors close, buses go, mom turns
Dad's like,,,,wait wha what time is it?
I'm like 8:11.
'
Dad's like: whoa.
E can paint her toenails....sort of
Ta da!
So husband is like what a wonderful day of relaaxxxxxxxx-
TEDDY YOU IDIOT THAT IS MY BREAKFAST CEREAL I ALREADY TOLD YOU NOT TO SIT THERE
Eleanor flies in between my legs holding toilet paper and nail polish. *pancakes* pancakes*
Mom says guys guys guys three minutes till the bus you need your snack you need your snack you need your snaaaaaaaaack.
SHE JUST PUNCHED ME.
Okay kisses and teethies and homework and hairbrushed and snack and sign this and Ted had this form for today pick up on tonight only and you need lunch money again??
Doors close, buses go, mom turns
Dad's like,,,,wait wha what time is it?
I'm like 8:11.
'
Dad's like: whoa.
Thursday, March 17, 2016
St Patrick's Day
De Sapio
So I come from Stuyvesant Town or PCV. Whatevs. It's all a freaking day spa now. Yawn.
I really don't know much about the DeSapios in terms of I am not even sure if I am spelling their name right.
Anyway, it seems on facebook that Billy lived a short life. And that is not cool. At all. So it is St Patrick's Day and was that his favorite day? Or his birthday? I am not sure.
I can't imagine if Billy would even know about facebook, It seems like he was taken away from us a long time ago. I know his number is 9. (Mine was 10) and I know he was big brother to Martin.
Here were go, Bloggy. *hardcore stuff* I think about death a lot because I have kids, I guess. As in, what if they were taken away from me? That would be horrible. What if. What if.
Also, how would you go about explaining facebook to someone?
So I come from Stuyvesant Town or PCV. Whatevs. It's all a freaking day spa now. Yawn.
I really don't know much about the DeSapios in terms of I am not even sure if I am spelling their name right.
Anyway, it seems on facebook that Billy lived a short life. And that is not cool. At all. So it is St Patrick's Day and was that his favorite day? Or his birthday? I am not sure.
I can't imagine if Billy would even know about facebook, It seems like he was taken away from us a long time ago. I know his number is 9. (Mine was 10) and I know he was big brother to Martin.
Here were go, Bloggy. *hardcore stuff* I think about death a lot because I have kids, I guess. As in, what if they were taken away from me? That would be horrible. What if. What if.
Also, how would you go about explaining facebook to someone?
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Cereal Can't Hurt You
One would think. What a delicious breakfast treat! Vitamins upon vitamins. Milk is involved. Nutritious, healthy. MADE to be good for you.
But it's like everything. I'm not your best friend anymore. E and I had this conversation in the car this morning:
Mama: I am your best friend and I want you to buckle.
E: I am not your best friend anymore.
Mama: I am still your best friend but I need you to buckle,
E: No more best friend talk!
Mama: That's cool, But you should definitely buckle. Also, I am still your best friend. I love you.
E: (sighs) I am so tired. No more best friend talk. Mommy, I am not your best friend.
Mama: Whaaaaaat? I am your best friend, And I just bought you apple juice. So shut it. And buckle.
E: I am so TIRED.
Mama: Me, too. Are you my best friend?
E nods.
We're cool, then.
But it's like everything. I'm not your best friend anymore. E and I had this conversation in the car this morning:
Mama: I am your best friend and I want you to buckle.
E: I am not your best friend anymore.
Mama: I am still your best friend but I need you to buckle,
E: No more best friend talk!
Mama: That's cool, But you should definitely buckle. Also, I am still your best friend. I love you.
E: (sighs) I am so tired. No more best friend talk. Mommy, I am not your best friend.
Mama: Whaaaaaat? I am your best friend, And I just bought you apple juice. So shut it. And buckle.
E: I am so TIRED.
Mama: Me, too. Are you my best friend?
E nods.
We're cool, then.
Baby Snots On Ya
Is my cat. Obvs. Let me tell you. She saved m life, and I saved hers.
She is fourteen years old and she has seen it all. She's like, I remember that guy. What a waste of time. Moving fwd. Yawn. My first child. Well, the first being that I nurtured. I gave her some water and some food and took her on long walks by the East River when we were both young. She had a leash that she was not that into. But somehow, we made it work. That day was super fun.
There were only two people at my kickboxing class this morning. One was moi. What is up with that? Well, we do all need to work. But it is only 4% of your day, as they say. Okay so my Bloggy
BL just sat on the comp. Good times. And I want waffles. I adore waffles. I would seriously love some waffle right now with butter and syrup. Oh em gee. Uncle Kenny says I am crazy; My mother says I am crazy. I say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, ma dears. I can't believe it is two o'clock already!
She is fourteen years old and she has seen it all. She's like, I remember that guy. What a waste of time. Moving fwd. Yawn. My first child. Well, the first being that I nurtured. I gave her some water and some food and took her on long walks by the East River when we were both young. She had a leash that she was not that into. But somehow, we made it work. That day was super fun.
There were only two people at my kickboxing class this morning. One was moi. What is up with that? Well, we do all need to work. But it is only 4% of your day, as they say. Okay so my Bloggy
BL just sat on the comp. Good times. And I want waffles. I adore waffles. I would seriously love some waffle right now with butter and syrup. Oh em gee. Uncle Kenny says I am crazy; My mother says I am crazy. I say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, ma dears. I can't believe it is two o'clock already!
Monday, March 14, 2016
Monday Morning
Always good times. Okay so the news is I cut my thumb and I am probably not gonna make it. It hurts. I was cooking. I need a full medical team on standby. Or just some attention.
Also it is raining which makes me want to sit on top of the wood burning stove. Not a smart move so I will sit beside it. Better idea. I have Mt Laundry to conquer. But I also have a headache and lots of lovely beds to sleep in. Hmm, decisions.
Teddy has been doing great in school. He has gotten great behavior sheets for the last two weeks. One even had one hundred (perfect!) score. So lets' hope that holds steady. We have also enrolled him in Camp Fatima for two weeks this summer, thanks to my benefactor, Gma Patsy, Helen is on the waiting list for the same session (3) and hopefully they will go at the same time. I think it will be good for him because they have a strict schedule, which he loves. I will try to prepare him as much as I can, and hopefully that will help. H will have no problem with it and I think she will make friends quickly. Ted I was a little worried about, for obvious reasons. But hopefully, they will be able to tire him out and keep him entertained with lots of stuff.
I didn't feel like putting makeup on today so I just dropped E off at daycare sans face. Nancy without makeup is basically a different person altogether. So if you came to the front door and I had no make up on, you would be like, Hey, I am looking for Nancy, and I would be like, I am right here, and you would be like no, you are a ten year old boy, I want NANCY.
Its the blonde eyelashes, Bloggy,
Donations are easier if you click the website version from your iPhone. My friend Siobhan said it.
Also it is raining which makes me want to sit on top of the wood burning stove. Not a smart move so I will sit beside it. Better idea. I have Mt Laundry to conquer. But I also have a headache and lots of lovely beds to sleep in. Hmm, decisions.
Teddy has been doing great in school. He has gotten great behavior sheets for the last two weeks. One even had one hundred (perfect!) score. So lets' hope that holds steady. We have also enrolled him in Camp Fatima for two weeks this summer, thanks to my benefactor, Gma Patsy, Helen is on the waiting list for the same session (3) and hopefully they will go at the same time. I think it will be good for him because they have a strict schedule, which he loves. I will try to prepare him as much as I can, and hopefully that will help. H will have no problem with it and I think she will make friends quickly. Ted I was a little worried about, for obvious reasons. But hopefully, they will be able to tire him out and keep him entertained with lots of stuff.
I didn't feel like putting makeup on today so I just dropped E off at daycare sans face. Nancy without makeup is basically a different person altogether. So if you came to the front door and I had no make up on, you would be like, Hey, I am looking for Nancy, and I would be like, I am right here, and you would be like no, you are a ten year old boy, I want NANCY.
Its the blonde eyelashes, Bloggy,
Friday, March 11, 2016
Neighbors
So one thing Anne J. Morley taught me was to visit your neighbors. I just came back from Pauline's. I am in the grocery store looking at Caitlin Bruce Jenner Kard Crash Agains or whatever and he is thinking about adopting a boy.
Um, okay. Who is going to give this "guy" a boy baby? WHO is giving this boy a baby to raise?
First of all, isn't he nine hundred years old? Also not sure about his parts? Bloggy, I am pretty upset. I mean I have no money. And three kids. And here this guy/gal has lotsa money and one alleged kid. This poor kid. It's not right. Sometimes. the world is not right.
Sadness abounds, I am sad.
Um, okay. Who is going to give this "guy" a boy baby? WHO is giving this boy a baby to raise?
First of all, isn't he nine hundred years old? Also not sure about his parts? Bloggy, I am pretty upset. I mean I have no money. And three kids. And here this guy/gal has lotsa money and one alleged kid. This poor kid. It's not right. Sometimes. the world is not right.
Sadness abounds, I am sad.
Thursday, March 10, 2016
Size zero
Okay. I mean I do not consider myself to be a overweight. I was in Banana Republic and for some reason I feel like BR really makes you feel fat. They must have conferences where they say lets make this rubber band a dress and call it a size ten, So I am in there and several things happen.
Many people yell for size zeroes. Um Okay. Size zero? Double zero? Are you okay? Do you need a cheeseburgr? So this woman is like Harumpf no. The zero is too big I need a double zero.
Hold up. Okay perhaps you are Asian. Then you are exempt. But from what I can see? Just walking along the regular old path of the regular old life? We are not stick insects. We have the curves and the butts and the boobs and all of this flesh is not designed to fit in a size double zero, Twiggy. Plus, can we just spend a moment and think about what you are aspiring to. The number zero. The big goose egg Ouch.
So I try on a size what have you. And then sometimes they like to change it up and now we are doing 26 27 28 29 sizes. Okay. A 28 is a size 6 or something. I think. Anyway, I got jeans. Boyfriend style or something. V cute.
But seriously who is buying these clothes, Banana Republic? Hmm.. maybe rich twelve year olds...
Many people yell for size zeroes. Um Okay. Size zero? Double zero? Are you okay? Do you need a cheeseburgr? So this woman is like Harumpf no. The zero is too big I need a double zero.
Hold up. Okay perhaps you are Asian. Then you are exempt. But from what I can see? Just walking along the regular old path of the regular old life? We are not stick insects. We have the curves and the butts and the boobs and all of this flesh is not designed to fit in a size double zero, Twiggy. Plus, can we just spend a moment and think about what you are aspiring to. The number zero. The big goose egg Ouch.
So I try on a size what have you. And then sometimes they like to change it up and now we are doing 26 27 28 29 sizes. Okay. A 28 is a size 6 or something. I think. Anyway, I got jeans. Boyfriend style or something. V cute.
But seriously who is buying these clothes, Banana Republic? Hmm.. maybe rich twelve year olds...
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
Face Time
Which I guess is Skype for the iPhone or whathaveyou. Who doesn't love faces, anyway?
So I have been on Face Time twice in my life and both were freak accidents. The first time H pressed the wrong button and Uncle Kenny popped up in our living room. It was crazy. I ended up getting a tour of Laguna Beach.
The second time I was on the phone with my good friend, Jennifer Sikes, and we were just chatting like in the olden days, when two people listened to each other's voices. Then somehow, my ear pressed a button and Bam! I am breastfeeding Jen's newborn.
Well sort of. Jennifer was in fact in the middle of breastfeeding, and neither one of us were prepared for our live high definition tv chat, but of course we are great friends so after a frantic couple of moments "checking" various things (teeth, background, nudity, etc), we got a good laugh about all of that craziness and then yes immediately started inspecting the inside of our nostrils with the camera. What can I say? We are very mature.
But it is the Cogswell Cogs in The Jetsons, Bloggy.
So I have been on Face Time twice in my life and both were freak accidents. The first time H pressed the wrong button and Uncle Kenny popped up in our living room. It was crazy. I ended up getting a tour of Laguna Beach.
The second time I was on the phone with my good friend, Jennifer Sikes, and we were just chatting like in the olden days, when two people listened to each other's voices. Then somehow, my ear pressed a button and Bam! I am breastfeeding Jen's newborn.
Well sort of. Jennifer was in fact in the middle of breastfeeding, and neither one of us were prepared for our live high definition tv chat, but of course we are great friends so after a frantic couple of moments "checking" various things (teeth, background, nudity, etc), we got a good laugh about all of that craziness and then yes immediately started inspecting the inside of our nostrils with the camera. What can I say? We are very mature.
But it is the Cogswell Cogs in The Jetsons, Bloggy.
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
Flu Shot
Kay. Right? So the flu shot. Yes, okay. You can give me a shot, and it will hurt. No good. Then you will tell me I may develop "flu-like symptoms"
pardon....flu-like?
flu-nolike
Okay what is LIKE a flu symptom? Sorta a runny nose but not really? A limping nose. Yes. There it is. A nose with crutches. It keeps getting caught in the grates of NYC.
So yes the man with the white coat says get this shot and you won't get the flu. You'll just get strep throat. Awesome. Where do I sign up for these shots? Sounds fantab!
Ha but then no they are like different STRAINS of the flu, so you really get a flu shot to protect yourself from maybe three strains of flu:
Flura, Fluorentine and Fluppi poops.
But see.
Fluenza was never gonna be all up in that bizz, yo. She has her own gig going on. She is all up in MA BIZZNESS IN MA HOUSE CUZ SHE GOTS TA HAVE SOME SPACE UP IN HER CRIB.
See, Fluenza is the fourth strain, Bloggy. The fourth strain that has been waiting outside the pharmacy doors to cough in your face.
pardon....flu-like?
flu-nolike
Okay what is LIKE a flu symptom? Sorta a runny nose but not really? A limping nose. Yes. There it is. A nose with crutches. It keeps getting caught in the grates of NYC.
So yes the man with the white coat says get this shot and you won't get the flu. You'll just get strep throat. Awesome. Where do I sign up for these shots? Sounds fantab!
Ha but then no they are like different STRAINS of the flu, so you really get a flu shot to protect yourself from maybe three strains of flu:
Flura, Fluorentine and Fluppi poops.
But see.
Fluenza was never gonna be all up in that bizz, yo. She has her own gig going on. She is all up in MA BIZZNESS IN MA HOUSE CUZ SHE GOTS TA HAVE SOME SPACE UP IN HER CRIB.
See, Fluenza is the fourth strain, Bloggy. The fourth strain that has been waiting outside the pharmacy doors to cough in your face.
Hiya Gma Pats I See You
Um, Bloggy? I've been sick. It is a true story. Grandma Patsy took us all to the circus in NYC on Sat and then tried to kill us. No no no, Grandma Patsy would never! Although IF she were thinking along those lines she poisoned us well. She offered us delicious food with poison. Not Kibbles n' Bits. I wouldn't go for that.
Grandma Patsy took us to the CIRCUS Bloggy. Awesome times. Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey and Big Apple. Wait I get confused. Ringling Barnum Bailey Brothers Apples Big whatevs it is the circus hurrah! But apparently some peeps are against the circus because of the animals. Which I get. So then I was thinking are the animals unhappy? Because they are generations of animals that perform, no? and then Gma Patsy was laughing at me cause she was like they don't breed them in the circus. And I was like, I think they sort of do. I mean, they don't stroll up to the jungles of Africa with a shopping cart, right? (And then use the express lane cause it is only one item, right?)
I suppose I could look this up. I could also drink some more soup and look at my new flip flops. Oh, decisions.
Also: E's first subway ride!
Grandma Patsy took us to the CIRCUS Bloggy. Awesome times. Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey and Big Apple. Wait I get confused. Ringling Barnum Bailey Brothers Apples Big whatevs it is the circus hurrah! But apparently some peeps are against the circus because of the animals. Which I get. So then I was thinking are the animals unhappy? Because they are generations of animals that perform, no? and then Gma Patsy was laughing at me cause she was like they don't breed them in the circus. And I was like, I think they sort of do. I mean, they don't stroll up to the jungles of Africa with a shopping cart, right? (And then use the express lane cause it is only one item, right?)
I suppose I could look this up. I could also drink some more soup and look at my new flip flops. Oh, decisions.
Also: E's first subway ride!
Friday, March 4, 2016
Priorities
Man, I am always in typo land. I typo everything because my fingers just do not want to agree with me. I think its because I go fast fast fast like a bunny. Is there a way to Velcro the letters onto your finger pads? Maybe stamps pads. I think I am on to something.....
Okay so there is not really big news here except that I almost lost my life coming out of the playroom because I slipped on one of E's Paw Patrol Pups, which formed a line in the doorway and out into the hall. So I was like walking and then what the H baskets my leg slips out from under me and I am like doing a split with one leg in the playroom and one leg in the hallway and I am like OW. Damn. What WAS THAT?
So Ted hears me fall and he is like, are you okay mom? And I am like I think so maybe now I am just a little bit flexier.
And what has to happen? I must immediately amputate all my wounds and focus on E because I have BROKEN HER MARSHALL PAW PATROL.
Mommy you broked my mashall!
I'm like, word. I guess I'm okay.
Okay so there is not really big news here except that I almost lost my life coming out of the playroom because I slipped on one of E's Paw Patrol Pups, which formed a line in the doorway and out into the hall. So I was like walking and then what the H baskets my leg slips out from under me and I am like doing a split with one leg in the playroom and one leg in the hallway and I am like OW. Damn. What WAS THAT?
So Ted hears me fall and he is like, are you okay mom? And I am like I think so maybe now I am just a little bit flexier.
And what has to happen? I must immediately amputate all my wounds and focus on E because I have BROKEN HER MARSHALL PAW PATROL.
Mommy you broked my mashall!
I'm like, word. I guess I'm okay.
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Ilovekicboxing.com
So obvs the Y and I are not best friends anymore. I mean, it just sorta happened. Because the Y had to be all TWENTY MINUTES AWAY and stuff, and I was like really Y? What is up with the high maintenance?
Ilovekickboxing.com in Warminster is where mama gets her workout on nowadays. Because it grew in my backyard, I am forced to step over the kickboxing class when I deliver E to daycare. It's like there is no way around it. I was CLAWING to get out of the riptide of laziness and those bitches kept sucking me back in, so one day I was like okay lemme go check this place out. Sniff. sniff.
{I just became interrupted by H giving me a puberty flyer. For reals. It's a flyer about puberty and what they are gonna do about it in her school. Okay)
Anyway, ilovekickboxing.com is pretty awesome. The people are super nice and it smells good. I like things that smell good. Often, I am not one of them. The instructors scream at you to get in shape and you are supposed to do things like burpees, mountain climbers and lunges. You are not supposed to smoke cigs and drink beer on the floor. If I can keep all of that straight, I am off to an amazing start,
Also everyone looks really ripped. So hopefully that will be me some day.
Ilovekickboxing.com in Warminster is where mama gets her workout on nowadays. Because it grew in my backyard, I am forced to step over the kickboxing class when I deliver E to daycare. It's like there is no way around it. I was CLAWING to get out of the riptide of laziness and those bitches kept sucking me back in, so one day I was like okay lemme go check this place out. Sniff. sniff.
{I just became interrupted by H giving me a puberty flyer. For reals. It's a flyer about puberty and what they are gonna do about it in her school. Okay)
Anyway, ilovekickboxing.com is pretty awesome. The people are super nice and it smells good. I like things that smell good. Often, I am not one of them. The instructors scream at you to get in shape and you are supposed to do things like burpees, mountain climbers and lunges. You are not supposed to smoke cigs and drink beer on the floor. If I can keep all of that straight, I am off to an amazing start,
Also everyone looks really ripped. So hopefully that will be me some day.
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
The Silent Baby
So E is upstairs in her bath...and she is sing-songing to herself with her Paw Patrol Pups and her Sesame Street bath book and you know...bubble time.
The hubs has taken the two older children out to H's bball practice. It's just me and E. So I start thinking about when how when my younger sister was this age I used to hear her around the apartment mating her Snoopy dolls. She was 3 or 4 and we had Anne. J Morley as our nanny. Anne liked her soaps so my little sister was always watching Ryan's Hope or Days of Our Lives or General Hospital.
Consequently, both of her Snoopy dolls could be caught in flagrante delicto. And saying things to each other. Like You'd better hide in the closet because my husband forgot his keys!and I (older sis at nine years) would just be like strolling through the hallway listening and then stop suddenly like WHAAAT?
Snoopy and Miss Snoopy would do some seriously bad things to each other (as acted out on Day of Our Lives) so Miss Snoopy would be like fastening her lingerie while Mr. Snoopy was looking through the curtain
So the point is... they have this whole spiel. And its normal for 3 year olds to play act and figure out scenarios . Hysterical. So what gets me is that H did not speak until she was four years old. So I never had that. Like what the F was going on with that and it could be a major contributing factor to my first divorce. It's very tough to raise kids with special needs. And then you throw Ted in the wake. It's kind of confusing.
The hubs has taken the two older children out to H's bball practice. It's just me and E. So I start thinking about when how when my younger sister was this age I used to hear her around the apartment mating her Snoopy dolls. She was 3 or 4 and we had Anne. J Morley as our nanny. Anne liked her soaps so my little sister was always watching Ryan's Hope or Days of Our Lives or General Hospital.
Consequently, both of her Snoopy dolls could be caught in flagrante delicto. And saying things to each other. Like You'd better hide in the closet because my husband forgot his keys!and I (older sis at nine years) would just be like strolling through the hallway listening and then stop suddenly like WHAAAT?
Snoopy and Miss Snoopy would do some seriously bad things to each other (as acted out on Day of Our Lives) so Miss Snoopy would be like fastening her lingerie while Mr. Snoopy was looking through the curtain
So the point is... they have this whole spiel. And its normal for 3 year olds to play act and figure out scenarios . Hysterical. So what gets me is that H did not speak until she was four years old. So I never had that. Like what the F was going on with that and it could be a major contributing factor to my first divorce. It's very tough to raise kids with special needs. And then you throw Ted in the wake. It's kind of confusing.
Monday, February 29, 2016
Julienne
I went grocery shopping this morning. Seriously, if anyone ever needs a pick me up on Monday morning Fleetwood Mac's Monday Morning. You heard it here first.
Ha ha so distracted I just listened to that song and thought about the old days and then I am like wait what am I doing? Then went upstairs had a conversation with myself and here I am again, about fourteen hours later.
(E just peeked out of the playroom totally starkers except for her tuxedo socks. We made eye contact.)
So I went grocery shopping this morning and decided to get a couple of kitchen utensils that were on clearance. Cause I walked in and they got me with their display of freshly cut veggie noodles and cauliflower rice and I thought hey I can do this at home and the kids will think they are eating RICE and it is actually BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
So I am all excited because sometimes when things look different they taste different and you know then all of a sudden I am Twiggy. I decided I am going to be the healthiest eater on the planet and they have these little gadgets on clearance for slicing, paring, dicing, julienning, etc. So I am like straight up, yes thank you and purchase three of them.
So I take these bitches home and take them for a spin around town, if you will. The first one is awesomeballs and it shaves all my brussels sprouts into a lovely shavelings of shavings. It's like coleslaw and salad and just wonderful. But then the second one is where it goes terribly wrong. Its the Julienner. No good. I introduced it to an eggplant and things did not go well. So of course I sliced off the tip of my left thumb.
But they were on CLEARANCE.
Ha ha so distracted I just listened to that song and thought about the old days and then I am like wait what am I doing? Then went upstairs had a conversation with myself and here I am again, about fourteen hours later.
(E just peeked out of the playroom totally starkers except for her tuxedo socks. We made eye contact.)
So I went grocery shopping this morning and decided to get a couple of kitchen utensils that were on clearance. Cause I walked in and they got me with their display of freshly cut veggie noodles and cauliflower rice and I thought hey I can do this at home and the kids will think they are eating RICE and it is actually BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
So I am all excited because sometimes when things look different they taste different and you know then all of a sudden I am Twiggy. I decided I am going to be the healthiest eater on the planet and they have these little gadgets on clearance for slicing, paring, dicing, julienning, etc. So I am like straight up, yes thank you and purchase three of them.
So I take these bitches home and take them for a spin around town, if you will. The first one is awesomeballs and it shaves all my brussels sprouts into a lovely shavelings of shavings. It's like coleslaw and salad and just wonderful. But then the second one is where it goes terribly wrong. Its the Julienner. No good. I introduced it to an eggplant and things did not go well. So of course I sliced off the tip of my left thumb.
But they were on CLEARANCE.
Sunday, February 28, 2016
NERD
Man I did not want to have to do this, but there is no way out.
So we're in the car and H is like pretty soon I'll be a decade old. And T chimes up I'll be a decade minus one this year. Randomly someone (or the chorus) says well at least I am not like 39 decades cause that would be like 390 years old, so I happen to become alert and I say oh my goodness we aren't we on the way to purchase an X Box 360?
And of course now we have to call it the X Box 36 decades. I am like the nerdiness in this car at this moment is almost another person. It's that bad.
It's not a combination lock. It's a permutation lock.
Buns.
So we're in the car and H is like pretty soon I'll be a decade old. And T chimes up I'll be a decade minus one this year. Randomly someone (or the chorus) says well at least I am not like 39 decades cause that would be like 390 years old, so I happen to become alert and I say oh my goodness we aren't we on the way to purchase an X Box 360?
And of course now we have to call it the X Box 36 decades. I am like the nerdiness in this car at this moment is almost another person. It's that bad.
It's not a combination lock. It's a permutation lock.
Buns.
Memories
You might as well try to capture time in a bottle, Blog. Memories. It's so redonk. Wait wait wait hold up. Let's put two words together: memories and perspective. I think my mind just exploded. I dunno. I see some stuff on the carpet and I THINK it's my brain, but it could be Baby Lasagna Vomit. (Just felt I should capitalize that V.)
So anyway from what I REMEMBER.... but here is the best thing, you have to verify, Alibis. That's right, Bloggy. Pay cash for EVERYTHING.
So it would be like
do you remember when there was the orange pool of fizz and a man and a dog came out of the taxi?
do you remember when it was spring and my mother saw your mother barfing into a plant cause she was hungover?
and so on.
So H and T got their precious Xbox 360, due to two fabulous benefactors named Uncle Kenny and Grandma Patsy, Mommy was the middle man. Mommy is okay with being the middle man. Cuz it don't cost her a dollah. So now there is an Xbox 360 in the house. Interesting. I have poked it with various kitchen utensils and it seems to respect me.
So anyway from what I REMEMBER.... but here is the best thing, you have to verify, Alibis. That's right, Bloggy. Pay cash for EVERYTHING.
So it would be like
do you remember when there was the orange pool of fizz and a man and a dog came out of the taxi?
do you remember when it was spring and my mother saw your mother barfing into a plant cause she was hungover?
and so on.
So H and T got their precious Xbox 360, due to two fabulous benefactors named Uncle Kenny and Grandma Patsy, Mommy was the middle man. Mommy is okay with being the middle man. Cuz it don't cost her a dollah. So now there is an Xbox 360 in the house. Interesting. I have poked it with various kitchen utensils and it seems to respect me.
I think H and T will have great memories.
(Setting it up)
If you view the website version at the bottom of your phone, donations are easier. Yay!
Saturday, February 27, 2016
Yes, Everyone Does Poop
All I am saying is we really just don't have to TALK about it for all the live long day.. I mean, for sure, the poop is going to show up in all sorts of different ways and definitely when we don't want it to so as long as it has that as it's jet engine, we don't need to worry about DISCUSSING it. Is my feeling.
But lemme give you an image. I am in a Starbucks. Just living my life and sipping my drugs. Fake sugar, caffeine, cocaine what have you. (No Bloggy, not cocaine CALM DOWN). I am minding my own business and obvs E has to use the little girls room. And obvs as I have told you all before she is quite independent.
So mommy is not allowed to help E do her stuff. That's cool. Mommy has other things to do. Like look super serious staring at a computer screen in Starbucks. Mommy becomes engrossed in who is actually keeping up with Kardashians, when all of a sudden....
Um excuse me? Does this belong to you? says a woman holding one three year old human in my likeness.
Pantless E has shuffled her way all through the Starbuck's because she needs help wiping.
She has literally made her way through the store with her pants down around her ankles and some toilet paper in her hands like, Who's up next?
.
But lemme give you an image. I am in a Starbucks. Just living my life and sipping my drugs. Fake sugar, caffeine, cocaine what have you. (No Bloggy, not cocaine CALM DOWN). I am minding my own business and obvs E has to use the little girls room. And obvs as I have told you all before she is quite independent.
So mommy is not allowed to help E do her stuff. That's cool. Mommy has other things to do. Like look super serious staring at a computer screen in Starbucks. Mommy becomes engrossed in who is actually keeping up with Kardashians, when all of a sudden....
Um excuse me? Does this belong to you? says a woman holding one three year old human in my likeness.
Pantless E has shuffled her way all through the Starbuck's because she needs help wiping.
She has literally made her way through the store with her pants down around her ankles and some toilet paper in her hands like, Who's up next?
.
Thursday, February 25, 2016
More T Updates
So T has been having a really great week, and I am gonna say again let's think about the seasons. The four seasons. (No, not Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons, Blog, that's a band that I do actually like.)
Bipolar Disorder, they say, has issues with the seasons.
Then there is simply Seasonal Affective Disorder.
Then there is also the fact that being cold sucks. Anyone with me on that?
Being warm is nice, and being cold is miserable.
It's also like being hungry sucks. Being well fed, I'm a happy gal.
Nobody said we were doing rocket science, here, Bloggy-boo.
So it's like I was sitting in Jade (my car) waiting for a parking space on the mean streets of PCV/ST, and the parking is definitely yesterday's diapers so the guy in front of me throws me a gem and says you'd better wait with your car because all the people on this side of the street have like a routine. They know their car is going to stay here and will never move and have actually been staying here andwatching all the live long day like the Flinstones. (See later) They are that old.
So I dial up the old celery and tell the parents eh probs never gonna come home again since waiting with my new friend, the car guy in front of me aka Mr. Rubble, until street cleaners NEVER COME. (Of course they don't -- it is so a power trip) and the Denners comes down to sit with me for a bit. I happen to be able to offer him salted almonds (which he fiercely partakes of whilst protesting that Jade is a dirty whore because she houses several pairs of clean undergarments for three children all on the floor of her immaculate rugs that he has actually paid for.) I allude to the surroundings and I simply say, yes Den, THIS is what is like having three kids. And then Den can turn around and say to me Oh Really? Funnily enough, I raised three of my own....
And it's like... Well played, Den. Well played.
Bipolar Disorder, they say, has issues with the seasons.
Then there is simply Seasonal Affective Disorder.
Then there is also the fact that being cold sucks. Anyone with me on that?
Being warm is nice, and being cold is miserable.
It's also like being hungry sucks. Being well fed, I'm a happy gal.
Nobody said we were doing rocket science, here, Bloggy-boo.
So it's like I was sitting in Jade (my car) waiting for a parking space on the mean streets of PCV/ST, and the parking is definitely yesterday's diapers so the guy in front of me throws me a gem and says you'd better wait with your car because all the people on this side of the street have like a routine. They know their car is going to stay here and will never move and have actually been staying here andwatching all the live long day like the Flinstones. (See later) They are that old.
So I dial up the old celery and tell the parents eh probs never gonna come home again since waiting with my new friend, the car guy in front of me aka Mr. Rubble, until street cleaners NEVER COME. (Of course they don't -- it is so a power trip) and the Denners comes down to sit with me for a bit. I happen to be able to offer him salted almonds (which he fiercely partakes of whilst protesting that Jade is a dirty whore because she houses several pairs of clean undergarments for three children all on the floor of her immaculate rugs that he has actually paid for.) I allude to the surroundings and I simply say, yes Den, THIS is what is like having three kids. And then Den can turn around and say to me Oh Really? Funnily enough, I raised three of my own....
And it's like... Well played, Den. Well played.
Feet
Hey Bloggy!
I am in NYC using Grandma Patsy's computer and my acclimation response is unfortunate. I feel somewhat retarded pressing keys that are not my usual keys. I just had to tell you. I am like slightly blind and a little deaf and all in all, like get a grip.
ANYWAY, drove H up for a concerto night with Grandma Patsy all Mozart Style. They will go do their tra la la la ings and I believe I will hit the mean streets of the city tonight with a can of Monster Energy Drink and some pepper spray. Who knows what will happen.
We are going to be socially awkward with our feet in the hands of our lovely friends all speaking a different language we do not understand = pedicure.
Toes and bros and hoes and Gma Pats is on the prowl! (She is right behind me for realz.)
I am in NYC using Grandma Patsy's computer and my acclimation response is unfortunate. I feel somewhat retarded pressing keys that are not my usual keys. I just had to tell you. I am like slightly blind and a little deaf and all in all, like get a grip.
ANYWAY, drove H up for a concerto night with Grandma Patsy all Mozart Style. They will go do their tra la la la ings and I believe I will hit the mean streets of the city tonight with a can of Monster Energy Drink and some pepper spray. Who knows what will happen.
We are going to be socially awkward with our feet in the hands of our lovely friends all speaking a different language we do not understand = pedicure.
Toes and bros and hoes and Gma Pats is on the prowl! (She is right behind me for realz.)
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Addiction
Okay so people with no sense of humor. What is up with that? I cannot relate. It's like aliens.
Anyway, I mean, who am I to talk about addiction. But I was just talking with someone and this someone was like so how often do you try to exercise and I said every day and this someone was like so is it an addiction? And I am like hold up.
Exercising is good for you. I try to do it every day. Eating. Also very very good for you and I think without it we might be in some trubs. Yes I eat three times a day and sometimes even more! I don't think I am addicted to eating. But yes I love it. So you don't drink or you don't eat fatty foods and you try to replace it with exercise. Then you get addicted to the exercise. Man, it does seem like you can't win.
At the end of the day, I think it is probably about no judgment, I mean if you see a person stumble, you should help him up. You shouldn't accuse the person in the middle of the stumble. Was it cocaine? Wine? A bacon egg and cheese? Who cares? They need help.
Anyway, I mean, who am I to talk about addiction. But I was just talking with someone and this someone was like so how often do you try to exercise and I said every day and this someone was like so is it an addiction? And I am like hold up.
Exercising is good for you. I try to do it every day. Eating. Also very very good for you and I think without it we might be in some trubs. Yes I eat three times a day and sometimes even more! I don't think I am addicted to eating. But yes I love it. So you don't drink or you don't eat fatty foods and you try to replace it with exercise. Then you get addicted to the exercise. Man, it does seem like you can't win.
At the end of the day, I think it is probably about no judgment, I mean if you see a person stumble, you should help him up. You shouldn't accuse the person in the middle of the stumble. Was it cocaine? Wine? A bacon egg and cheese? Who cares? They need help.
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
So Awk
It's just like so many times...I have to ask (for REASONS, Blogster) Oh do you read the blog? And it has nothing to do with like hey do you like me? I am just trying to figure out how much I have to detail my life or if it's already done. Like do you already know about T and the basketball or do I have to set that whole story up again?
And then the person is like yes, yes, of course I love your Blog! Something about the bus? And I am like ha ha that was thirty years ago on this blog (No you are not aging, Bloggy. you look fine, Dorian Gray) but whatever.
And they are like yeah I pop in from now and then, to read your stories. And I am like, that's cool I only ask because I want to know if you are one of the ones who knows my kids' names and their little butt sizes or if you are on the haters team
(UNCLE KENNY)
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And then the person is like yes, yes, of course I love your Blog! Something about the bus? And I am like ha ha that was thirty years ago on this blog (No you are not aging, Bloggy. you look fine, Dorian Gray) but whatever.
And they are like yeah I pop in from now and then, to read your stories. And I am like, that's cool I only ask because I want to know if you are one of the ones who knows my kids' names and their little butt sizes or if you are on the haters team
(UNCLE KENNY)
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Monday, February 22, 2016
My Weekend
Okay, Blogsteroonie. I will now fess up to my weekend. So last weekend or maybe two years ago (my calendar gets muddled), it was President's Day and this really threw a wrench in my schedule. I dunno how the school system like slipped a vacation in there unbeknownst to me but the kids had Friday and Monday off, and I should have treated it like vacay but I wasn't THINKING, Blogster. And I treated it like a regular old weekend. With a day off and a sleepover or something.
So anyhoozle the point is I could not get to my exercising (this is where I start flexing all my muscles) which really means that one small insect got in the way of me getting in the car to go exercise and of course the world was over and I had to sleep on the couch all day.
So I didn't exercise. For like a couple of days, maybe four. Then I got back into it and did Kickboxing on Thursday and asked a new friend there, hey will you be here tomorrow? (try not to scare her too much, Bloggy, sometimes I can be.....AGGRESSIVE), and she was like I don't know if I can do this to my body two days in a row. And I was like (in my head which is a crazy place people must never go), uh what is she talking about... wimp. So I showed up the next day all flexy and whatever. She was not there.
So on and so forth the next day I decided early in the morn to go for a leisurely jog and by leisurely jog I mean me dying on the treadmill and stopping every two minutes gasping for breath and reaching for Powerade. Easy Peezy. I am an ATHLETE.
So this is the day Grandma Patsy and Poppop Den come to visit. And you gotta love these guys, They are lovers all the way. But you also have to understand that when they fly into town, H snaps her fingers and whatever she wants, this little girl GETS. And the little girl decided she wanted to ice skate.
As it happens there is an ice skating rink in our backyard (seriously so close I fell out of bed into the rink), and there we go. Now, mama knows that with Gma Patsy and Poppop's Dens visit she is going to eat her face off at Uno's or whatever restaurant she gets taken to on the cavalry. So of course Mama has decided to eat one leaf of lettuce in the last three days. (I have GOT to slim down Bloggy. I just don't know how else to put it).
We go to the ice skating and even bring E and did you know how COLD it gets in there? My god, it's ridiculous. So so I was freezing my little buns off. I must have fallen about five time in about thirty minutes. Of course my muscles had atrophied as soon as hitting the temperature and they all started to speak to each other
Oh em jee, she really thinks this is her twelve year old self , doesn't she?
Christ and she is like almost forty, isn't that right? WTF?
Let's make her fall again. perhaps she will get the freaking message?
And there I am thinking hell it doesn't matter that I have kickboxed two days in a row and ran this morning and not eaten I can just go do another sport.
What the hell, am I training for Iron Man or something?
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So anyhoozle the point is I could not get to my exercising (this is where I start flexing all my muscles) which really means that one small insect got in the way of me getting in the car to go exercise and of course the world was over and I had to sleep on the couch all day.
So I didn't exercise. For like a couple of days, maybe four. Then I got back into it and did Kickboxing on Thursday and asked a new friend there, hey will you be here tomorrow? (try not to scare her too much, Bloggy, sometimes I can be.....AGGRESSIVE), and she was like I don't know if I can do this to my body two days in a row. And I was like (in my head which is a crazy place people must never go), uh what is she talking about... wimp. So I showed up the next day all flexy and whatever. She was not there.
So on and so forth the next day I decided early in the morn to go for a leisurely jog and by leisurely jog I mean me dying on the treadmill and stopping every two minutes gasping for breath and reaching for Powerade. Easy Peezy. I am an ATHLETE.
So this is the day Grandma Patsy and Poppop Den come to visit. And you gotta love these guys, They are lovers all the way. But you also have to understand that when they fly into town, H snaps her fingers and whatever she wants, this little girl GETS. And the little girl decided she wanted to ice skate.
As it happens there is an ice skating rink in our backyard (seriously so close I fell out of bed into the rink), and there we go. Now, mama knows that with Gma Patsy and Poppop's Dens visit she is going to eat her face off at Uno's or whatever restaurant she gets taken to on the cavalry. So of course Mama has decided to eat one leaf of lettuce in the last three days. (I have GOT to slim down Bloggy. I just don't know how else to put it).
We go to the ice skating and even bring E and did you know how COLD it gets in there? My god, it's ridiculous. So so I was freezing my little buns off. I must have fallen about five time in about thirty minutes. Of course my muscles had atrophied as soon as hitting the temperature and they all started to speak to each other
Oh em jee, she really thinks this is her twelve year old self , doesn't she?
Christ and she is like almost forty, isn't that right? WTF?
Let's make her fall again. perhaps she will get the freaking message?
And there I am thinking hell it doesn't matter that I have kickboxed two days in a row and ran this morning and not eaten I can just go do another sport.
What the hell, am I training for Iron Man or something?
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A New Week
Oh, Blog, I have so many things to tell you. You know me so well though, that I am sure you remember my origins. I grew up in NYC where there are three types of wildlife called pigeons, squirrels and roaches. That is all and that is enough, Of course, unless you are my friend Brad and there is a Tweety. But pets were few and far between in my day.
Now I live in PA in a suburb which may as well be on a farm in the 1850s with Laura Ingalls Wilder because I just learned how to light a match yesterday. In NYC there are on switches. Bloggy, not matches. And if the on switches don't work, we call someone dressed in green. This person, dressed in green charges us one million dollars to fix the on switch which we pay because we think it is a great deal because we still get to keep our latest issue of Vogue and it it is not a light bulb because when a LIGHTBULB goes out the man in the green clothes might have to call his supervisor and things REALLY get expensive.
Anyway I was standing in my kitchen looking out the window (NOT covered in bars which is also a rare commodity from where I grew up -- no not in da clink, Bloggy, JESUS) and I saw a raccoon. I know what raccoons look like because my parents used to take me to the Bronx Zoo, which is now called something like the Conservatory of Nature's Wildlife Dream Unicorns or something. At the Bronx Zoo, you get to see raccoons but more importantly you get to smell skunk.
So after I saw this raccoon, I started to smell skunk in the kitchen so then I was like oh no that must have been a skunk, not a raccoon. And then I was like what the f is really the difference and I should go google that shiz.
Happy Monday. It's a new week, Bloggy!
Now I live in PA in a suburb which may as well be on a farm in the 1850s with Laura Ingalls Wilder because I just learned how to light a match yesterday. In NYC there are on switches. Bloggy, not matches. And if the on switches don't work, we call someone dressed in green. This person, dressed in green charges us one million dollars to fix the on switch which we pay because we think it is a great deal because we still get to keep our latest issue of Vogue and it it is not a light bulb because when a LIGHTBULB goes out the man in the green clothes might have to call his supervisor and things REALLY get expensive.
Anyway I was standing in my kitchen looking out the window (NOT covered in bars which is also a rare commodity from where I grew up -- no not in da clink, Bloggy, JESUS) and I saw a raccoon. I know what raccoons look like because my parents used to take me to the Bronx Zoo, which is now called something like the Conservatory of Nature's Wildlife Dream Unicorns or something. At the Bronx Zoo, you get to see raccoons but more importantly you get to smell skunk.
So after I saw this raccoon, I started to smell skunk in the kitchen so then I was like oh no that must have been a skunk, not a raccoon. And then I was like what the f is really the difference and I should go google that shiz.
Happy Monday. It's a new week, Bloggy!
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Hoops
Thanks to the illustrious benefactor, Poppop Den, we are now the proud owner of a bball hoop in our backyard. This is really the coolest thing. The kids can practice all the live long day on their shots. Ted had been so frustrated at his game yesterday and I said all you have to do is practice, and now he can at anytime! And it can is adjustable for the height of his games and then for the realz games.
And some kids are coming over to have a playdate today and they can,,,,shoot hoops.
Saturday, February 20, 2016
E Calls it Black
Wow okay Bloggy, hold on to your hats LOTS of stuff hapenning this weekend. I don't even know where to begin but I will definitely tell you that E has the loudest voice in America when she says, THAT BLACK KID LOVES ME.
Okay. I am sure he does. We all love you, E. But just tone it done with the blackies and the whities, (of course she can't because she comes from the crest of Keane; synonym: loud). So E is like in the bleachers.
Mom,,
That black kid loves me.
But this other black kid does not love me and also he is not my best friend,
And I am like that's coool how about we all watch some basketball because it is orange?
Okay. I am sure he does. We all love you, E. But just tone it done with the blackies and the whities, (of course she can't because she comes from the crest of Keane; synonym: loud). So E is like in the bleachers.
Mom,,
That black kid loves me.
But this other black kid does not love me and also he is not my best friend,
And I am like that's coool how about we all watch some basketball because it is orange?
Friday, February 19, 2016
Not Your Best Friend
So today E had some outfit troubles. Now, as a backstory you must know that E is three so when you do something she does not like, she is instantly mad at you and not your best friend anymore.
It comes together in a package: "I'm mad at you and I am not your best friend anymore!" which is interesting cause I had no idea E was my best friend in the first place but then to lose her all of a sudden like that. What a whirlwind of emotions.
Today I gave her an outfut because she like to dress herself. She is very independent. She wants to make her bed, brush her teeth, dress herself, which is all great for me. I can just lie on a bed of lilies eating grapes and looking bored while my worker bees support me on a bed of lustrous marble....
Actually I just end up picking up in the wake of the whirlwind that is E. So she gets the outfit and mommy goes to do her thing and then all of a sudden I notice E has REPLACED my skirt with a different one. Um, what is up what that? So I am like where is the skirt to this outfut? and she is like yeah no I don't like that, So I say whatevs, wear this skirt because it matches and - standoff. For no real reason.
So they say to pick your battles, right? Well I am going to pick this one, thank you very much. Just cause I am an animal and I have to mark my turf as the BOSS. (No, Blog calm down I am not going to pee on anything. Jeez)
So we end up with the skirt on but then she doesn't like the shirt. So I literally said to her [blackmail here], "Well I can't be your best friend if you don't put your shirt on." And this was a dilemma for her. She really wanted to be my best friend but didn't like the shirt. But then she told me the reason. The shirt had buttons on the sleeves and she couldn't push the sleeves up to wash her hands like she learned in Miss Mary's class.
So I said that was a great reason not to like a shirt. F that shirt for realz. On to another beautiful shirt.
Right?
It comes together in a package: "I'm mad at you and I am not your best friend anymore!" which is interesting cause I had no idea E was my best friend in the first place but then to lose her all of a sudden like that. What a whirlwind of emotions.
Today I gave her an outfut because she like to dress herself. She is very independent. She wants to make her bed, brush her teeth, dress herself, which is all great for me. I can just lie on a bed of lilies eating grapes and looking bored while my worker bees support me on a bed of lustrous marble....
Actually I just end up picking up in the wake of the whirlwind that is E. So she gets the outfit and mommy goes to do her thing and then all of a sudden I notice E has REPLACED my skirt with a different one. Um, what is up what that? So I am like where is the skirt to this outfut? and she is like yeah no I don't like that, So I say whatevs, wear this skirt because it matches and - standoff. For no real reason.
So they say to pick your battles, right? Well I am going to pick this one, thank you very much. Just cause I am an animal and I have to mark my turf as the BOSS. (No, Blog calm down I am not going to pee on anything. Jeez)
So we end up with the skirt on but then she doesn't like the shirt. So I literally said to her [blackmail here], "Well I can't be your best friend if you don't put your shirt on." And this was a dilemma for her. She really wanted to be my best friend but didn't like the shirt. But then she told me the reason. The shirt had buttons on the sleeves and she couldn't push the sleeves up to wash her hands like she learned in Miss Mary's class.
So I said that was a great reason not to like a shirt. F that shirt for realz. On to another beautiful shirt.
Right?
Thursday, February 18, 2016
? A Questiom
So here is a question: Do you go to your ex's funerals? I mean, what is the protocol in THAT game? Now, I guess I shower. That's the big news. Seriously, do you?
T Buckets
Okay so this is weird. T and the basketball. Now, Mama was educated to be a classroom teacher, so she may know her stuff. I have had various Teds in my classroom. And it is what it is. Your job. The workday. Your year. You deal with it. And then you have one of your own.
But where it really stands out? You can see it on the court. T's different. First he can't run normally. He always has to run up and down the courts in some sort of weird hyped up cartoonish run. And then he flat out walked out of a game to talk to me. No joke, the game was in full swing and he just walked right off the court on the sunny side of the street. I was just sitting in the bleachers not really doing much of anything. T rolls up and told me it would be okay if I cheered (I wouldn't be embarrassing him). I was like, okay. Also, your game is behind you. Just fyi.
But the craziness is he has the genetics all up in surround sound. I mean I was uber athlete and so was bio dad. And he even looks the part: tall, gangly, awesome. But for whatever reason, this dynamic flow of a game is a little bit beyond Teddy's mental grasp. He lives for staccato.
Annnd...by the by..neither of my little stool pigeons have made a basket. I think only Helen tried to throw the ball up once. Meanwhile I am on the sidelines like flooping and plotzing and futzing and ready to jump in at any time for her team . (I am sure they are looking for a sub.)
Waiting for the bus
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Personal Space
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So Bloggy bean, how ARE you?
Oh yeah, I was at Wegmans today (obvs) and I am like man I really do not care what people think about me. Is that true? Do I? Then I look at what I am wearing. I have on red (an unfortunate ebay misinterpretation) Uggs with a long black coat, but I am in my gym clothes which consists of hubby's last Friday tee shirts which may or may NOT be wrapped around the appropriate body parts, and a sticker is coming off my shoe.
And I am like, yeah no, I think you don't care.
And the woman in line next to me is in a sweatsuit that has been ironed and has *Juicy Couture* flashing in strobe lights.
I think she cares.
but update *SHOULD I CARE?*
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
2 Hour Delay
Not a fan, Blog. Am I off or on? Is it a weekend or weekday? No, I am suspended by two hours. Okay.
So apparently everything will be happening two hours later today. That's interesting. I'd love to have breakfast, but.... you get it. And the kids are all in school like good bunnies but no kiddos, you don't have morning learning times we just throw you in midday schedule and try to play it off all normally like,language arts actually HAPPENED today. Weirdo.
So what is the deal? I guess they want the head honcho to mark off another business day so it counts, yet it jacks up all my PLANS, which of course I have none severely etched in stone but it's my tiny head that explodes. Like now what's for dinner?
So apparently everything will be happening two hours later today. That's interesting. I'd love to have breakfast, but.... you get it. And the kids are all in school like good bunnies but no kiddos, you don't have morning learning times we just throw you in midday schedule and try to play it off all normally like,language arts actually HAPPENED today. Weirdo.
So what is the deal? I guess they want the head honcho to mark off another business day so it counts, yet it jacks up all my PLANS, which of course I have none severely etched in stone but it's my tiny head that explodes. Like now what's for dinner?
Monday, February 15, 2016
A Bowl of Rice Cakes
Well Blog, I did slim down a bit, and then we ordered Chinese food. So you know how that goes. I need to get back to kickboxing but I cannot go outside because I am not an Eskimo. Only Eskimos are allowed outside nowadays.
Okay so the house that I live in was built in 1850 and therefore it is an ice cube. So one of the places mama can actually feel her own blood circulating again is in the nice warm shower. And of course I have told these children time and time again not to bother me in the shower unless someone is bleeding out.(very rare occurrence). So la dee da one leg is shaved and
KNOCK KNOCK.
Yes? Door opens and frost covers everything in the bathroom.
There isn't any Bee cereal, and I don't like Raisin Bran so can I have a bowl of rice cakes for breakfast?
(A bowl of rice cakes?)
Check above the stove, there are a bunch of cereals I bought yesterday.
Okay.
~End scene~
Now, Bloggy, I simply don't have the time or energy to think about why my son wants a bowl of rice cakes for breakfast. Or why he feels he must freeze me to death in the shower.
But what I DO know is that E goes from this
Okay so the house that I live in was built in 1850 and therefore it is an ice cube. So one of the places mama can actually feel her own blood circulating again is in the nice warm shower. And of course I have told these children time and time again not to bother me in the shower unless someone is bleeding out.(very rare occurrence). So la dee da one leg is shaved and
KNOCK KNOCK.
Yes? Door opens and frost covers everything in the bathroom.
There isn't any Bee cereal, and I don't like Raisin Bran so can I have a bowl of rice cakes for breakfast?
(A bowl of rice cakes?)
Check above the stove, there are a bunch of cereals I bought yesterday.
Okay.
~End scene~
Now, Bloggy, I simply don't have the time or energy to think about why my son wants a bowl of rice cakes for breakfast. Or why he feels he must freeze me to death in the shower.
But what I DO know is that E goes from this
to this
in a matter of seconds with no warning. Also, this balloon is one she picked out yesterday that hubby came home with and I was like wait, what? I am pregnant, and it's a girl and you all knew this and I didn't until he was like no she just wanted the pink one. And I was like phew. Close call.
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Robot
Okay Bloggy. I have like no idea how to discern if we are popular or not. But at least a hundred people read us a day. That's good, right? I don't know. It's like H and T when they stand up against their classmates and I am like whoa they are short. Or tall. No idea. Just flying around in outer space hoping peeps love us. No baseline.
Well, Mama does like the numbers. A hundred peeps a day. Good numbers. A hundred pounds to lose, ha. So Mama did NOT get to shred her ex yesterday due to the car issue and such. Unfortunate. But Mama is trying to install a six pack of abs back into the mama belly. Either by running or kickboxing I don't know. And here I have jettisoned my old friend, Zumba. Yikes. I mean I love her, but mama is FLIGHTY. Hello. Eh it's not really that its more about the instructors being bunk.
The kids are all on it and they are like I can see a two pack. Ha.
Oh wait I have been waiting to post this convo (from my tutoring):
guest123502528:>i want to learn how to build a robot
Nancy Q:>okay
Nancy Q:>do you have a model
Nancy Q:>or an imprint
guest123502528:>no i don't
Nancy Q:>okay well what would you like the robot to do
guest123502528:>to move and learn
Nancy Q:>okay so it would need electricity?
Nancy Q:>you would have to program it
Nancy Q:>to do what you want
guest123502528:>what kind of materials will i need
Nancy Q:>well it depends on how big you want it
Nancy Q:>and what your ultimate goal is
Nancy Q:>if you want a life sized robot
Nancy Q:>materials will be much different than if you want a mini root
guest123502528:>learning
Nancy Q:>well a robot can't learnn unless it's creator teaches it to
guest123502528:>thank you
If you view the website version at the bottom of your phone, donations are easier. Yay!
Well, Mama does like the numbers. A hundred peeps a day. Good numbers. A hundred pounds to lose, ha. So Mama did NOT get to shred her ex yesterday due to the car issue and such. Unfortunate. But Mama is trying to install a six pack of abs back into the mama belly. Either by running or kickboxing I don't know. And here I have jettisoned my old friend, Zumba. Yikes. I mean I love her, but mama is FLIGHTY. Hello. Eh it's not really that its more about the instructors being bunk.
The kids are all on it and they are like I can see a two pack. Ha.
Oh wait I have been waiting to post this convo (from my tutoring):
guest123502528:>i want to learn how to build a robot
Nancy Q:>okay
Nancy Q:>do you have a model
Nancy Q:>or an imprint
guest123502528:>no i don't
Nancy Q:>okay well what would you like the robot to do
guest123502528:>to move and learn
Nancy Q:>okay so it would need electricity?
Nancy Q:>you would have to program it
Nancy Q:>to do what you want
guest123502528:>what kind of materials will i need
Nancy Q:>well it depends on how big you want it
Nancy Q:>and what your ultimate goal is
Nancy Q:>if you want a life sized robot
Nancy Q:>materials will be much different than if you want a mini root
guest123502528:>learning
Nancy Q:>well a robot can't learnn unless it's creator teaches it to
guest123502528:>thank you
If you view the website version at the bottom of your phone, donations are easier. Yay!
Sleepovers
Ha okay seriously I just tried to send a picture to my email from my iPhone, and I guess I am going to have to take a class on iPhones. Sadness. I thought I was smart. But then I got the iPhone. Have we already talked about the small i capital p business? Kill.
Heard from next room: " I need Yoshi so bad!"
So the Gremlins have had their sleepovers and all seems to be going well. The boys got along great and Kyle is a winner. Nice boy, very polite even though his mom is like don't you want to kill him?? So now I am like wait is this an epidemic? All moms are worried their sons will destroy the universe when left alone? Sounds about right.
And also Kyle and Ted are in the same class with a kid named Gavin who ALSO has a behavior sheet. So this teacher has about four guys with behavior sheets, Is this just a tough year for her or is this now par for the course in our ever-growing overpopulated society? Deep, right? Do NOT get me started on overpopulation, Blogster,
Happy V day!
If you view the website version at the bottom of your phone, donations are easier. Yay!
Heard from next room: " I need Yoshi so bad!"
So the Gremlins have had their sleepovers and all seems to be going well. The boys got along great and Kyle is a winner. Nice boy, very polite even though his mom is like don't you want to kill him?? So now I am like wait is this an epidemic? All moms are worried their sons will destroy the universe when left alone? Sounds about right.
And also Kyle and Ted are in the same class with a kid named Gavin who ALSO has a behavior sheet. So this teacher has about four guys with behavior sheets, Is this just a tough year for her or is this now par for the course in our ever-growing overpopulated society? Deep, right? Do NOT get me started on overpopulation, Blogster,
Happy V day!
If you view the website version at the bottom of your phone, donations are easier. Yay!
Saturday, February 13, 2016
RAH
Oh Em Jeeee Blog, my car is stuck on the ice AND I have been walking around all day with only ONE dangly earring in.
I'm a pirate, Blog.
I'm a pirate, Blog.
Shred Your Ex
Is the name of the event I am going to in just an hour, I think I told you, Bloggy, that a kickboxing gym cropped up in my backyard. Because I guess God was like... seriously, Nancy. Try not to exercise now. And I was like, touche God, Well done. (As always, I presume.)
So they are having an "event" where you are supposed to bring pictures of people you hate and then you get to beat them up. Ha. But, see, Bloggy, Mama is really all about the love so I would feel kind of funny printing out pictures of people I don't like, Oh, also? Who has the time? I mean if you hate somebody that much, it's not good for you Bloggy. You gotta let it go.
Don't get me wrong. There are various and sundry beeyotches I will be pummeling all the live long day. Haters, if you will. But I am just going to THINK about them because that does not require any extra energy. Duh, And of course you can always put a picture of things up there like the printer in your office that always jams paper into itself. Kill. Or the tangled cords for my ear phones. Those guys. THOSE GUYS.
Anyway, I'm gonna take pics.
Oh also I have to shout out to the peeps who support you Bloggy, the donaters. We have gotten a couple this weekend and one of them wanted to spread the love, You betchya.
If you view the website version at the bottom of your phone, donations are easier. Yay!
So they are having an "event" where you are supposed to bring pictures of people you hate and then you get to beat them up. Ha. But, see, Bloggy, Mama is really all about the love so I would feel kind of funny printing out pictures of people I don't like, Oh, also? Who has the time? I mean if you hate somebody that much, it's not good for you Bloggy. You gotta let it go.
Don't get me wrong. There are various and sundry beeyotches I will be pummeling all the live long day. Haters, if you will. But I am just going to THINK about them because that does not require any extra energy. Duh, And of course you can always put a picture of things up there like the printer in your office that always jams paper into itself. Kill. Or the tangled cords for my ear phones. Those guys. THOSE GUYS.
Anyway, I'm gonna take pics.
Oh also I have to shout out to the peeps who support you Bloggy, the donaters. We have gotten a couple this weekend and one of them wanted to spread the love, You betchya.
If you view the website version at the bottom of your phone, donations are easier. Yay!
Friday, February 12, 2016
Valentine's Day T Minus 2
So T was allowed to attend his Valentine's Day party yesterday, meaning I guess he was well behaved. I doubt his teacher would ply him with copious amounts of sugar if he had been bad. Then today they had off.
There is a bball game tomorrow for T at nine am and one for H at noon. Then they BOTH have sleepovers tomorrow night so by the time Sunday rolls around they should be able to throw bon bons into my mouth while dancing around me in a heart shape and then collapsing into tired ecstasy. And then of course we have Monday off so they can recuperate!
There is a bball game tomorrow for T at nine am and one for H at noon. Then they BOTH have sleepovers tomorrow night so by the time Sunday rolls around they should be able to throw bon bons into my mouth while dancing around me in a heart shape and then collapsing into tired ecstasy. And then of course we have Monday off so they can recuperate!
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Mama Ain't Stupid
I mean. Maybe I am not stupid. I really have a hard time with the iphone. This am H called the beloved HATER Uncle Kenny up on my iphone and bam! somehow we were in an instant face time what have you. I forced Uncle K to tell me I looked skinny while he took us on a phone tour of his house. Good times. And then of course it all ended and we had no idea how or why,
So a lot of times I touch my iphone and all this crazy shiz happens and I am like uh,,,what? And then there are tabs and papers and screenshots and they all EXIST someplace but I have no idea HOW TO FIND THEM. All I ever see is like a bamboozle shot of whatever I want and love and then it flies away into Neverland and I am like it would be so cool if I could ever see that again. Wherever it is.
And of course I know it is there, Somewhere. But if I just tap tippity tap twice once on the the left side arrow corner I get a swoosh and then a whole baseball cap full of pigeons comes flying out.
Crazy Arms
So a lot of times I touch my iphone and all this crazy shiz happens and I am like uh,,,what? And then there are tabs and papers and screenshots and they all EXIST someplace but I have no idea HOW TO FIND THEM. All I ever see is like a bamboozle shot of whatever I want and love and then it flies away into Neverland and I am like it would be so cool if I could ever see that again. Wherever it is.
And of course I know it is there, Somewhere. But if I just tap tippity tap twice once on the the left side arrow corner I get a swoosh and then a whole baseball cap full of pigeons comes flying out.
Crazy Arms
If you view the website version at the bottom of your phone, donations are easier. Yay!
Penises are Gross
This just in: penises are gross. That came from Helen and I solidly agree. We giggled a bit. I have to thank some DONATERS yeah you know who you are. Spreading the love. :)
So this kickboxing place cropped up in my backyard and I joined up. H is recording my muscles and weight loss. Good times. Picture H with clipboard and visor. She loves new activities.
The news on the streets is we have one new sleepover. So we shall see how that goes. H is going to Ava's and Kyle is coming to T's house and then Gavin (also a special needs kid) is coming over Sunday afternoon for a playdate. Will Mommy survive? Bloggy will tell us,
So this kickboxing place cropped up in my backyard and I joined up. H is recording my muscles and weight loss. Good times. Picture H with clipboard and visor. She loves new activities.
The news on the streets is we have one new sleepover. So we shall see how that goes. H is going to Ava's and Kyle is coming to T's house and then Gavin (also a special needs kid) is coming over Sunday afternoon for a playdate. Will Mommy survive? Bloggy will tell us,
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