Teddy's report card

Hurrah!

So I defintenely jacked up my hand.  I was mopping the kitchen floor. And ta da!  I did a backhanded split somersault and thank God because I slipped on the Pine Glo. I came out okay.  Or at least here. However, I have one ring finger that is not with all the ants go marching one by one hurrah hurrah.  The ants go marching one by one hurrah hurrah!




Wow, I got distracted because that is a great song.  I kinda just wanna hurrah out of here.  Hurrah! Hurrah! March march march march (I'm at the library)  Hurrah to the car.




Anyway, Bloggy, how have you been?  I have missed you but my hand....eiw. Pic maybe but it is gross.

I told you.  Damn.


So now that Ted has been doing great I have to get back on the saddle with the chores. I have another chart.  Me and my charts, go marching one by one, hurrah.

T update

Ted has been doing well.  Every day, almost a hundred points on each behavior sheet.  So of course I have not been jinxing it.  But this morning I am like is everyone doing so great or just you?  Either way, it's wonderful.  And he is like I have no idea.

He has been completing homework and having play dates with other boys in the class.  Talking about video games, being nice to his sisters...as much as an eight year old boy can be.

His birthday was April 6.  He turned 8.   He was like what are we gonna do for my birthday?  For his 6th birthday I created a scavenger hunt that spelled out his name and flew around the property a la Goonies. I think he was crowned with a royal duck or something  I mean it was great fun. But now every year he is like why are we not renting a yacht to fly into outerspace?


Careful what you wish for, Bloggy.  

Coach N

So I like to get the kids in with the sports. This was the first real year where everything fell into place and H and T could give different sports a try. Hockey, basketball softball, swimming, tennis. I have been telling you all about it, Bloggy.  Some at the Y and some in our township.


In Warmnister Township, everything is pretty much voluntary.  So the coaches, the refs, all of it are just good people doing awesome things. The woman who ran the Warminster Basketball league for both H and T  had about fourteen kids who simultaneously reffed and coached and handed out juice boxes.  They were all named Mary Kate Mc something.  Mary Kate McAlice.  Alice McMary Kate.

When basketball season was wrapping up,  two adults sitting behind cafeteria tables with laptops appeared  These people were like all pretending they just happened to.... wake up all of a sudden.. in the cafeteria with a laptop on their person. So I walked up to one (cause I thought they were like selling COOKIES obvs) and I was like, Hey what are you all doing and they were the


Softball peeps.  Wouldn't ya know, my statistics machine just HAPPENED to plant itself in front  of the dying basketball rookies.  Anyone up for a game or two? I am not sure why they have to be all on the sly but it was seriously CIA bizz.


So I was like hey sure lets sign everybody up for everything and yay sports I just happen to have a check on me and all of a sudden H and T are you-kneed for the Montreal Expos or whavetever.

*Cut to H and T holding Montreal Expos Cabbage Patch Kids* Wafting banners*


On the registration sheet, they ask for all of your cell phone numbers, emergency contacts, venereal diseases and sketchy family members.  There are also several boxes that say hey what can you do for us?  Sell cookies?  Set up tables?  Coach? Asst Coach? Irish Step Dance?

So of course I am all in the mode and I check off the box that says coach.  I mean, hell, I played softball like a mo fo.  My batting average was off the charts and I can still swing a bat like Ted Williams. No doubt I could coach, It would be fun.

And of course nothing happens for years (minutes). And I am like, this is my kinda league.  Every once in awhile I wake up with a start, thinking, man remember when I checked the coach box?  Eh, snooooooze.

So.  I almost just want to cut and paste the various emails that have ensued   But that would be inappropriate.  And I could probably get sued. Let's just say, I was called a couple of weeks ago when the league was starting and the one phone call was so serious it scared the pants off of me to the point where I resigned my coaching status post haste via iPhone the Sunday morning after.

I totally bowed out (best decision ever) because I simply was out of my element.Which is what I said in explanation, but I didn't even get a reply email.  I felt a little guilty cause it would have been great fun for Helen, But I mean I would have trouble finding the fields we practiced on and here within the MINUTE that I hang up my boots, I get an email from my replacement who has an excel spreadsheet that times and dates every little league practice and game in Warmisnter since the Civil War.

Hmm okay here is one just cause I have to

Hi Nancy.  I am just checking to see if Helen is still interested in playing softball.  She has missed the first 2 practices and so I was unsure if she has changed her mind.  Please let me know so I can plan my roster accordingly.  Thank you:) 



 


 

April Cold.

Bloggy, you are almost a year old.  Happy Birthday.  Baby Lasagna's birthday is in April.  (Baby Lasagna is my cat, Bloggy).  Along with many other contenders starring: my son, my mom, my sis and my hubs.  But also the cat's.

My god it is so freaking cold in April,  For realz?  Softball and baseball practices are cancelled due to SNOW.  Okay, global warming. Well played.

Let's see.  Helen is short and Eleanor is tall.  What else is new.  Oh Helen says she may be getting the puberty any day now.  So I have that to look forward to.  Nothing like any old reminder that we are all just ANIMALS.  As Baby Lasagna blinks at me and stalks away.  (Baby Lasagna is my cat, Bloggy.)

Man I am not trying to brag but the amount of people on facebook who have blocked me?  Is a lot.  Ha ha,  Haters. This makes me sort of famous.  I mean, I don't know what you have to do to actually block someone on facebook (as I have blocked nobody and pretty much love everybody except evil peeps).  Like I seriously would not know how to do it.  Because doesn't blocking someone mean you kind of think about them?

But for real sometimes I think about random peeps and I am like hey I wonder how they are doing and they were always so nice and I hope they are well and what are they up to AND WHA...?  Oh, they blocked me.  Huh.  Guess that feeling isn't reciprocal.  Ha.  I am going to play with my OTHER FRIENDS in the sandbox.  Cause that's the way bitches roll.

My Fake Nails List

Things I can do with my fake nails

Make coffee

Type like a bad ass

Sleep

Kickbox

Clean the house
(things I CAN DO, not things I am GONNA DO, Blog.  Jeez You always have to be so specific)

Type this blog

Listen to stuff

Scratch like a mo fo

(sometimes Grandma Patsy has to look up my sayings in an urban slang dictionary Bloggy.  No joke, Do you think she will get mo fo?  Grandma Patsy, if you are somewhere out there, don't waste your time its MUTHA FUCKER.  Shit, Grandma Patsy is gonna be pissed.  She doesn't like it when I curse. She sent me to Catholic school, Bloggy.  For like a lot of years. And look what happened. Sigh)

Eat chocolate donuts

Eat chocolate

Eat donuts

Eat anything really

I am so hugry

Was this a list of something?

Nailed it

All I hear is  Teddy saying GET OUT  GET OUT  ha ha well you know the vending machine was always the mending machine,

Eleanor is all about the obstacles. So there are fourteen stepping stools in front of the toilet.  Obvs I have to Spiderman that course.


So what was I talking about? Maybe fake nails.  I have them now so let see.  I thought at first oh my god hell no get these ridiculous things off of me and I was like trying to bite them off because apparently once they gel you they GEL YOU and its basically cement.  No turning back, in other words.  Sort of like when you try to put a prosthetic limb on.  Your body just rejects that shiz.  Your body's like whaaaa?   Nah.

Okay then I said to the fake nails  just make them look very NATURAL which immediately makes them sprout feathers and start squawking out walkie-talkie alerts.  Au naturale.

So now I have gel nails for a bit.  Interesting.  I can tap tap tap away clickety split styles on the old keyboard and I can scratch the F out of any limb that dares settle by me.  Other than that, not much has changed,


Although I do like to present my hands in various settings.  Like by my face....... On top of secret mystery man's shoulder......     Or perhaps surrounded by various fruits. ....Yes, my hands like grapes.  And showcasing grapes.

Hmmm what else can these nails do?